September 23rd, 2008 kellyschnell
Last night Shane and I went to the first class of a 3-part series our church is offering entitled “Faith and Gender.” A broad topic, yes, but something that certainly pertains to me, since I am a woman of faith who is trying to understand what it means to actually live as a woman of faith. The discussions last night made me realize that it’s been awhile since I’ve engaged in and wrestled with any deep spiritual, biblical, relational issues. It feels good to struggle with opposing beliefs and ideas. But it’s overwhelming, too, and so tempting to simply say “pass” when God calls on me to stretch and solidify my beliefs. It is alarmingly easy to let one’s faith become stagnant. And “stagnant” is not a word I want used to describe my thoughts, relationships, or beliefs. So I’m taking the opportunity to step up to the plate and wrestle with this issue.
I am frustratingly stuck on the question, “How do a woman’s and a man’s roles differ in a Godly marriage?” I know that Shane is in charge of mowing the lawn and I am in charge of grocery shopping, but our definition of roles can’t just be reduced to a simple task list. Some would even argue that there should be no difference between male and female roles in a healthy marriage, but I tend to disagree. I do sincerely believe that a husband is called to lead. “Leading” is not an exertion of power, but it is a willingness to be held accountable. It is not about the man “getting his way” - leading often means making sacrifices, compromising, putting his wife’s or children’s needs above his own. And a woman who is “led” is by no means weak, timid, or constrained. She should still have a strong voice, a sense of independence, and utmost confidence in herself. These are things I hold to be true - a man is called to lead sacrificially, and a woman is meant to follow walk alongside him, while still retaining a sense of value and self-worth. But I’m having such a hard time understanding what this really looks like, particularly in my own marriage. Am I allowing myself to be led by Shane? Is he even offering to lead? In times when Shane is weak, or lost, or “stagnant”, is it my job to step up and lead? What does “leading” even mean? Is it about decision-making? Providing? Accountability? So many questions… I’m not expecting absolute resolution - it is the growth that comes from the process of seeking that is so formative, but still, it would be nice to be able to translate my vague doctrines into quantifiable actions. And so, I will ponder/struggle/wrestle/explore. I’ll let you know how that goes.
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September 21st, 2008 kellyschnell
Shane and I left town for the weekend and came back to find that the leaves on our tree out back are rapidly changing from green to orange. Though the fall colors are beautiful, I can’t help but panic a little bit: is summer really over? Are the days of short-sleeved shirts and sunglasses already behind us? And what about all those summer trips we were supposed to take and those summer projects I was supposed to complete? I become discouraged when I think of all that I didn’t do… But then I look back on this blog and see all that I did do (camping, canoeing, test-taking, seeing Vancouver for the first time, planting, redecorating, visiting my best friend, sketching, bonding with my niece), and I feel encouraged and motivated to keep planning, keep doing, keep seeing. No, I didn’t finish that painting I wanted to get done, and no, we didn’t make it over to Eastern Washington for our wine-tasting weekend, but I have a whole new season ahead of me to continue working on that to-do list. There’s no sense in fighting the onset of autumn, so I suppose I may as well embrace it. Soon I will be making butternut squash soup, pulling those comfy sweaters out of the closet, putting the garden hose away as nature takes over our watering for us. Sometimes it’s all about looking for the silver lining (you might be hearing a different tune from me on our 97th straight day of drizzle, but for now, I am remaining positive and optimistic).
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September 1st, 2008 kellyschnell
Shane and I returned yesterday from a quick trip to Portland, and once again, I am already dying to get back down there to spend more time with my niece. She is such a good-natured, lovable, beautiful little girl. She is growing so quickly, changing with each trip, smiling more, babbling more, becoming more animated in her facial expressions and movements. And it’s been so fun to see the effect that parenthood has had on my brother and sister-in-law. I never doubted that Mitch would be a fantastic dad, but still, it’s surprising and wonderful to see him hold his little girl with such tenderness. Then again, who couldn’t help but to be absolutely melted by a face like this?
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August 11th, 2008 kellyschnell
Shane and I took a quick trip to California last week to catch up with some old friends. It’s good to be back home in Seattle (yes, I am officially referring to Seattle as “home”), but dang, after spending just a couple of days with my best friend, I’ve realized how much I miss her. Amanda and I have been friends since high school, when we sat next to each other in Spanish class and were forced to sing Enrique Iglesias songs together (our teacher somehow thought that singing bad pop Spanish songs was vital to a complete understanding the language). Our friendship apparently was sealed in that classroom, as we have remained close ever since. We have almost nothing in common (Amanda loves Kelly Clarkson and goes to see the “American Idol on Tour” concert every year; I prefer Radiohead or maybe a little Death Cab for Cutie when I’m feeling poppy), but we never fail to have an absolutely fabulous time together. Case in point: we spent over two hours in a shoe store on Thursday, strutting down the aisles, giggling, and giving each other the god-honest truth about the shoes we liked (thank you, Amanda, for saving me from those yellow loafers). We stayed up late together every night, chatting, catching up, reminiscing about our high-school antics, just enjoying the comfort of being in an old friend’s presence. We ate Mexican food together (oooooohhhhhh, I adore you, burrito supreme with cheese and green sauce and sour cream), and we loafed around her house afterward while our gut-bombs digested. We stood in line at the post office together and somehow had a good time doing it. We talked about work and marriage and family and shoes (yes, we do love our shoes). It is such a blessing to have a friend that just “gets me” the way she does. I’ve been discouraged that I haven’t found such a friend in Seattle yet, but I should remind myself that it took years for Amanda and I to come to know each other as well as we do. Which means it might be years before I can enjoy standing in the post office line with someone up here. Patience, I guess.
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July 30th, 2008 kellyschnell
I had the privilege of being a bridesmaid at Matt and Cyra’s wedding on Friday. It was a beautiful day - sunshine, flowers, good food, and an ecstatically happy couple. As I watched them exchange vows that evening, and gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes during their first dance, and talk with anticipation about their honeymoon, I wondered, “Have Shane and I lost that newlywed spark?” In a sense, yes, much of the “newness” of marriage has worn off. But in its place, we have built a partnership that is full of comfort and understanding. This isn’t to say that we’ve become a tired, boring, old couple (Shane has yet to refer to me as “the old ball and chain”, thank goodness), but we have definitely settled into our life together. Each day, we know one another a little better than we did the day before. We have come to understand when to pursue being together and when to give each other some alone time. We have discovered each other’s pet peeves (I forget to turn the lights off when I leave a room, Shane puts a nearly-empty milk carton back in the fridge) and are trying to curb these small annoyances. We have set goals together (money to save, trips to take, interests to develop) and we encourage each other toward realizing these dreams. These are all good things. But do we forget sometimes to be spontaneous and fun-loving and passionate? Yes. This is something to work on. I know that it’s possible to combine the solidity of our life together with the excitement and joy that comes with being very much in love - it just might take a little effort. But it’s a worthy endeavor with great rewards…
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May 28th, 2008 kellyschnell
For better or for worse, I can be incredibly sentimental. I am that person that insists on holding onto old Barbie dolls and stuffed animals on the chance that my future children will want to play with them someday. I am constantly trying to instate new traditions in our family that can be carried on for generations to come. I am nostalgic, romantic, and (sometimes) sappy. My sentimentality is why I love visiting my grandparents’ house and hearing the stories of all their belongings. It seems that every piece of furniture, every vase, every dish has a special story behind it about who made it or where it came from. Many of their things have been in the family for generations. In contrast, a tour through Shane’s and my house would go something like this: that table came from Ikea in 2007, those dishes were on sale at Crate and Barrel a couple of years ago, and that vase from Pier 1 is almost 6 years old (practically an antique by our standards!). This is the price I pay for enjoying a simple, modern, clutter-free home, and I’m ok with it. I’ve found a way to compensate for our lack of meaningful decor items - I’ve sprinkled our walls with photos of people we love and places we’ve been. One of my projects this weekend was to update our living room photo wall. The ones of Paris had to stay, but I printed out a couple newer favorites from our wedding and our Thanksgiving road trip. It’s nice to be surrounded by reminders of the people and places that have blessed us. I’m a sucker for a happy memory.
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May 21st, 2008 kellyschnell
Shane and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary yesterday. It was nice to hit “pause” on our busy week and enjoy a special dinner together at La Medusa. 2 years… I find that anniversaries are a good time to take a “marital inventory” and reflect on how we’re doing. There have been days when being married to Shane feels like the most natural thing in the world, like we’re living the life that was always meant to be. Then there are days when I think to myself, “Holy crap! Who is this man in my bed? There is still so much I don’t know about him! Are we seriously married?” These moments can freak me out a bit, but I have to remind myself that I will never know every little detail of my husband’s inner workings. And do I really want to, when the journey of getting to know him better is so much fun? For example, in the car on the way down to Silverlake last Saturday, Shane spent awhile telling me about the mischief he used to get into as a kid. I love discovering these things about his past - I hope he never runs out of new material to share with me. So as far as the current state of our marriage goes, I’d say we’re doing pretty well. I’m freaking out less and less these days. And we’ve genuinely enjoyed each other’s company lately, even more than usual. We met for lunch at our favorite Thai restaurant on Monday and I caught myself grinning as I watched Shane approach the restaurant from a block away. I was so thrilled to be able to spend just 30 minutes with him in the middle of the day. He has this uncanny power to calm my stressed-out mind, to pull me out of a stubborn pout, to make me laugh when what I am mad/frustrated/sad/etc. It is both comforting and unsettling to be aware of the influence that he has over the state of my spirit. I occasionally try to put my guard up against this influence, but then I remember that I am blessed to be married to a man that treats my vulnerable heart with such tenderness. So, we’re doing well. Do we still have room for growth? Of course. We continue to work on finding our “rhythm” and have set these goals: pray together more regularly; eat dinner at the dining room table together more regularly; talk about our finances together more regularly; foster relationships with other couples who can encourage us, and vice versa.
I look back on this photo of our first moment of prayer as a married couple, and I think about how we’ve grown over the past two years. And I look forward to the journey ahead of us…
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