Archive for the ‘reflections’ Category

The annual roundup!  2022 started quiet as my maternity leave and long days at home wound down, but life seemed to pick up speed as the year went on and now I’m reeling over the fact that Juliette’s third grade year is nearly half over.  And were those tulips I saw in the Trader Joes flower aisle on Sunday?!  Some days were long, but dang, the year was fast.  Below is the best of the best…

 

Favorite book:

24 books last year!  A new record for me!  And a good mix of poetry, non-fiction, memoir, and fiction.  

Favorite book of all was A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles.  It’s the fictional story of a charming man placed under house arrest in a famed Moscow hotel and it just…swept me up.  

Favorite non-fiction was The Line Becomes a River by Francisco Cantu, because for as many times as I’ve heard the phrase “crisis at the border”, I haven’t spent enough time considering the humans at the center of that crisis.  Cantu makes it real.  

 

Favorite TV show:

Top honors to Bad Sisters.  I started this on a whim one evening after the kids were in bed, put it away for a few weeks, and after watching episode 2 on a morning when I had the house to myself, I followed with episodes 3, 4, 5 that very same day…such dark, smart humor.  Such love among sisters.  Such intense, intense hatred for the villain!  The mark of good character development.

 

Favorite movie:

CODA!  This movie was beautiful and sweet and shed new light for me on life without hearing.  The main character (who is not hearing-impaired) is an incredible singer, but can’t fully share her talent with her deaf parents and brother.  That scene in the auditorium through the mother’s eyes when all is perfectly silent – so powerful.  And when the dad puts his hands on his daughter’s vocal cords to feel her sing You Are All I Need to Get By.  I smiled and cried and felt all the things.

Honorable mention to Nope, even though I watched a good portion of it with my face hidden behind a blanket, but sometimes being scared is fun.

 

Favorite podcast:

Top honors to Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things.  I admit, I don’t listen to all the episodes (I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to unpack all the things!), but I’ve loved her handful of parenting-focused episodes with Dr. Becky and really love the glimpse I get of how her and Abby do life together.

 

Favorite song:

You know it!  T-Swift again!  And I’m not gonna apologize.  Everyone in our family has loved the album Midnights a little more with each additional listen and I’m smitten with Maroon in particular.  It’s a bop.  

 

Favorite purchase:

I got new eyeballs last year!  Or at least it they felt new after I finished my Lasik surgery in October.  And it’s been a game-changer.  To wash my face and brush my teeth and then just go to bed, without the fuss of contacts!  To SEE in the morning, without fumbling for my glasses!  I’m a new woman.

 

Favorite personal pastime:

I’ve been working on carving out a couple hours of solo coffee shop time every week or two, to read or write with a latte in hand and it’s been life-giving on a level that’s almost ridiculous.  But do you know what my favorite way to pass the time was in 2022?  I super-duper loved my naps with Isaac in our cozy gray chair.  I know, it’s hardly personal time and it’s hardly a hobby, but it’s how I chose to spend so many of my afternoons and I don’t regret any of it.  It’s not a pastime that will make it on this list any other year going forward, so I’m doubling down on all those times I chose not to put him in his crib.  Plus, all the reading I got done as he dozed in my arms!  When do you think I plowed through those 24 books?

 

Favorite family pastime:

Our summer family bike rides to the library and the brewery and the swimming pool were a sweet Sunday ritual.  I love these people and I love that clunky orange Rad Wagon and I love where we live.

 

And, favorite moments…

A magical, misty morning in Winthrop.

 

Maternity leave coffee walks with my boy.

 

Watching big sis show little bro the world.  Or the local playgrounds, at least.

 

An Alki nursing session while Juliette danced in the sand.

 

MAUI.

 

We’ve got a crawler!

 

Softball Saturdays.

 

Proud Mama moment.

 

On those days that I had him nap in his crib, I was rewarded post-sleep with the sweetest of smiles.

 

An Idaho Fourth.

 

A Mama-Jules hike.

 

So many sibling couch cuddles.

 

Summer days at Colman Pool, where Juliette passed her first swim test!

 

The loveliest sunset paddle with my best first mate.

 

Our smiles say it all.  This was BIG.

 

But also, it’s the little things.

 

The dreamiest Bainbridge Weekend.

 

The happiest of reunions.

 

He’s ONE!

 

Sunset fishing to cap off our best-yet trip to Minnesota.

 

And she’s NINE!

 

Evening walks with my little buddies.

 

The best birthday bike ride.

 

Autumn joy.

 

Sometimes he’s so happy it’s silly.

 

And we’ve got a walker!

 

A cozy, quiet Thanksgiving.

 

The prettiest tree hunt.

 

A most favorite tradition.

 

Girlie is growing up and I’m here for it!

 

Sharing the Christmas magic.

 

Sometimes it’s fun to leave the baby at home.

 

CHEERS.

 

I’m feeling that familiar mix of gratitude and melancholy in looking back at a year gone by.  Oh, this season has been been full…full of joy and exhaustion and laughter and runny noses and so much heart-bursting love as we fall harder for our fourth wheel.  Sometimes I fear that life will never be this sweet again.  And that’s probably true – I’m not sure that baby snuggles can be topped on the sweetness scale.  But I also know in my core that there is more ahead.  More pool days and sibling shenanigans and sunset paddles and hopefully more sleep.  There’s definitely more.

The annual roundup!  This is one of my favorite posts to put together – even in the years that didn’t go as planned, the years where I didn’t get through my to-do list or take that trip I hoped for, reflection brings so many reasons to feel accomplished and to be thankful.  2021 was no different.  Some lows, but a lot of highs.  Okay, and one BIG high (hi, Buddy!).  

 

Favorite book:

I finished 23 books, one shy of my goal, but I’m going to let that slide because I was able to check off quite a few books that have been on my reading list for 8+ years.

Favorite book in the memoir category, and favorite book above all, was One Long River of Song by Brian Doyle.  I literally clutched this book to my chest several times while reading and took a deep breath, as if it would allow me to more fully soak in Doyle’s words about family and nature and love.  What a gift.

Favorite non-fiction was The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson, because it opened my eyes to the lasting significance of the Great Migration, which I’ll admit I knew nothing about a year ago.

I was a little light on fiction last year, but loved A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith for superb character / setting development – by the end of the book, I felt like I knew the Nolan family through and through.

 

Favorite TV show:

Top honors to Insecure.  I watched all five seasons over the past few months (three cheers for marathon breastfeeding sessions!) and gosh, why’d I wait so long to get on the Issa train?!  I loved watching her change and grow over the course of the show, loved bearing witness to her deep-though-tumultuous friendship with Molly.  And the Lawrence saga…I ate it up.

Mare of Easttown deserves a mention as well because…sheesh!  The suspense!  The acting!  Kate Winslet’s Pennsylvania accent!  My palms haven’t sweated like that since Breaking Bad.

 

Favorite movie:

Whenever Shane asks me if I want to watch a show or a movie, I always choose show because I like more bite-sized chunks of TV, but King Richard was worth the two-hour commitment.  Will Smith is stunning and those Williams sisters (in real life)…total bad-asses.

Honorable mention to Father of the Bride, even though it’s 30 years old, because I had so much fun watching it with Juliette on one of our lazy Saturday mornings together.  It’s good to have another rom-com lover in the house!

 

Favorite podcast:

Bah!  I almost skipped this category because I did so little listening last year (still mourning the Reply All scandal), but in scrolling my queue I see that I stayed pretty current on HBR’s After Hours.  Though Felix, Mihir, and Youngme operate on a completely different academic wavelength than I do, they’re still approachable and their take on current events feels less sinister than the reporting I get from The Daily.

 

Favorite song:

I was determined not to give this category to Taylor Swift again, but dang it!  Her re-release of the Red album, and her 10-minute version of All Too Well in particular, blew our damn minds.   The short film, the SNL performance, the saga of the missing scarf, we devoured it all.  Over and over.

 

Favorite purchase:

I’m going to go big on this one and shout out to our new kitchen.  I’ll give more details and the full before-and-after in another post, but I can definitively say that it’s all I hoped it would be.  The opening up of the kitchen to the living room in particular has been a game changer – it’s so nice to be able to chat with Shane or Juliette if they’re in the living room and I’m cooking or doing dishes.  The peninsula gets tons of use – Juliette does puzzles or art projects there, it’s our snack buffet if we have guests, and I do most of my meal prep there.  Now if only I could keep it clean…

 

Favorite personal pastime:

I was a little short on recreational me-time last year, as pregnancy, a remodel, and then newborn life left me pooped. But I continue to find much joy in making our home homier and did some quality nesting in 2021. What was our guest room (and then my home office) has now been made into a cozy little nursery, complete with a hand-drawn wall pattern that took far longer than I expected but was also soothing in its tedium. Juliette’s room now serves as the guest room on the occasions that we have family in town and has gotten some Jules-approved grown-up upgrades. Our tired downstairs brick fireplace got a coat of black paint, some lighting, and new mantle styling. Our bedroom got a glow-up with accent paint and shelving and fresh art. And the houseplants! So many houseplants to brighten each room. Dare I say our house is almost “finished”? (I don’t.)

 

Favorite family pastime:

Again, it felt like we lost many of our summer weekends and evenings to the kitchen renovation, and then Isaac upended our routines completely, so I’m not entirely sure where to go with this one. My 2020 highlight reel tells me we used to play cards every night after dinner and I’m having a hard time even recalling what that was like – sounds so civilized! So luxurious! These days, 6pm is when we start our evening round of pass-the-baby as we endeavor to keep him content until his 7:00 bedtime… We’ve got some figuring-out to do in regards to fun-making as a family of four (though we have whiled away some good hours together on the living room floor, trying to find Isaac’s most ticklish spots). I did really, really love watching Juliette play soccer on Saturdays last Fall, with Shane at the helm as assistant coach and Isaac in my arms as (sleepy) co-cheerleader. I previously felt a sort of pity for soccer moms, spending their Saturdays on the sidelines rain or shine, but now that I’ve seen my own kid out on the field, I get it – turns out it’s thrilling to see her score a goal! Or try to score a goal! Or participate in the opening team cheer! I’m Juliette’s biggest fan.

 

And, favorite moments…

Many evenings spent listening to Harry Potter while following along in the book.

 

Leavenworth.

 

Sharing the news with the sister-to-be!

 

Winthrop.

 

Semiahmoo.

 

A visit from much-missed grandparents.

 

Mother’s Day with our newly-vaxed crew.

 

An unexpectedly snowy hike with my best bud before she headed off into the train tunnel for a bike ride with her dad.

 

A Marrowstone weekend with friends we saw too little of in 2020.

 

The Oregon Coast and that ocean magic.

 

An attempt to escape the end-of-June heat.

 

Lake life at our new favorite spot in Idaho.

 

Possibly Juliette’s best day ever

 

She loved him so much already.

 

My ladies!

 

Summer Saturdays at Colman Pool.

 

Lazy weekend mornings in bed.

 

Our last outing as a family of three!

 

ISAAC!!!

 

Newborn bliss.  And lots of hospital milkshakes.

 

Little bro meets the best-ever big sis.

 

So tired, but so happy.

 

Lazy mornings in bed take a new turn…

 

A horseback ride for the the EIGHT year-old.

 

Chair snuggles.  So many chair snuggles.

 

40!

 

Momming so hard…

 

Cloud nine grandparents.

 

First smiles.

 

Sister love runs deep.

 

Autumn magic.

 

Keeping traditions alive.

 

A Schnell family Thanksgiving.

 

The sweetest advent.

 

Chosen family.

 

Jarrell family.

 

A snowy surprise.

 

Cozy December mornings.

 

And more snow…

 

Happy New Year.

2021 felt so damn tough for the world outside our door – COVID rolled on, divisions ran deep, and we bore witness to heartbreaking loss. But I’m exceedingly grateful for the joy that bloomed in our little bubble, for snowy surprises and pool days and the most perfect little babe a big sister could hope for. May joy bloom bigger in 2022, may we see it burst our bubble in the very best way and spread near and far.

Welp, when I started putting this post together a week ago I had only one surprise announcement: we’re having a baby! Baby boy Schnell due…today! Turns out I wasn’t quick enough on the Publish trigger, though, because as of last Tuesday the even bigger news is: we HAD a baby! I’m saving that jazz for another post and going back to the beginning here…

And when I say back, I mean waaaay back, about six years ago when we first started casually throwing around the idea of a sibling for Juliette. We played it fast and loose for a few months, thinking how crazy it would be if I just happened to get pregnant this time around, without any of the planning and waiting and loss and waiting and intervention and waiting that we endured with Juliette. I mean, this time around my body might just know the drill – I had living proof that I could have a healthy baby! Silly me, though…I didn’t just happen to get pregnant. I was Infertile with a capital “I”.

Dozens of ovulation kits and a couple of unsuccessful IUIs later, I was completely exhausted by the waiting game. At the end of 2019, Shane and I found ourselves at a fork in the road: to the left was a letting-go of the hope for a second child; to the right was a last-ditch all-in try via IVF. We chose the latter, buckled up, and began the barrage of hormones, needles and ultrasounds.

In keeping with sentiments felt round the world on a much grander scale, 2020 was tough. More waiting, a heart-wrenching loss, and moments of deep mourning as my visions of a kid anchoring each side of our Subaru’s back seat blurred at the edges and began to recede. We certainly had a good thing going, the three of us, and Juliette had brought me more mama-joy than I ever could have dreamed of, but damn. I didn’t want to be done. In December of last year we transferred our second embryo and began yet another cycle of hand-wringing and waiting. At the 6-week ultrasound, I held my breath as the nurse searched for the flicker of a heartbeat on the black and white screen. I’d been here before, felt the sting of stillness where there should have been life. But PRAISE THE LORD, there it was! A tiny little heartbeat coming from our tiny little boy. We still had a long ways to go, but as I walked out of the doctor’s office, hope came back. It was a cautious hope, still shadowed by anxiety, but there was hope.  These shots (so many shots!) weren’t all for naught.

Three weeks later, after another encouraging ultrasound, Shane and I decided to share the news with Juliette. I felt my guarded heart soften as we told her there was a baby growing inside my belly – her joy was contagious as she jumped up and down on the couch and exclaimed, “I’m going to be a big sister?! I’M GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER!!!” We ate cupcakes and answered all of Juliette’s burning questions and shit got real in the very best way.

COVID kept Shane and Juliette from attending any of my doctor’s appointments, but I’d always call them the minute I left the building to assure them all was well.  They were the best pregnancy pep squad.

By week 18 my belly was really rounding – thank goodness for work-from-life and stretchy pants all day, every day! We nicknamed the baby “Grogu” after the sweet little baby Yoda in Mandolorian and Juliette checked in with me daily on his progress, asking first thing in the morning, “How’s Grogu doin’, Mama?”.  I would reply, “Still growing!” and then Juliette would turn my body so that it was in profile to her and exclaim, “He sure is!”  I have a pregnancy app on my phone and Juliette would excitedly check it each Saturday morning to see just how big the baby was.  “He’s an orange!  A coconut!  A…stalk of celery?”  That one had us all perplexed.

I remember feeling very large when we went to Semiahmoo in April – now I look back at these week-21 pics and chuckle.  The heartburn and the shortness of breath were setting in by this point, but oh, Kel…just wait for it.

Juliette had a tough time making much sense from my reels of ultrasound pictures, but nonetheless, she found them thrilling.

At week 26 I felt like I had a soccer ball under my shirt.  Again: oh, Kel…

Week 30 in Neskowin – now that’s a belly!

 

By week 33 the baby was kicking regularly enough and hard enough that Juliette was guaranteed to get a good high-five from her brother if she left her hand on my belly for a few minutes.  She fell asleep like this a few times and I felt affirmed in my suspicions that she’ll be the sweetest big sis ever.

Week 34: belly as a head-rest!

And the loveliest baby shower with my mama-friends!  I stumbled through early motherhood alongside these friends eight years ago and these ladies showed up big-time for me in July to assure me that I can do it again.

We played a round of “guess whose birth story” that had us all howling with laughter as we shared the full gamut of indignities that come with labor and delivery.

Week 35: it appears as though I have an alien trying to escape through my belly button.  Juliette tunes in like it’s prime-time programming.

 

Week 37 was my pregnancy sweet spot.  Only three(ish) weeks left, so the discomfort felt short-lived enough that I could focus on savoring those final days of having a little one growing inside of me.

Brunch and a beach walk at week 38 (can you tell I was running out of wardrobe choices by this point?!).

Ok, you win, Jules!

A lunchtime belly snuggle from Juliette…while an eight-year age gap wasn’t really the plan for our two kids, I gotta say, it sure was fun to watch her watch me grow a little human.

And here it is, my bump in all its glory at 39 weeks + 1 day, one day before I went into labor. This was back when I was certain that I had a full five days ahead of me to convert the home office into a nursery, finish all the touch-up painting in the kitchen, repack my pillaged hospital bag, spend boatloads of quality one-on-one time with Juliette, AND enjoy evenings stretched out on the couch with my hand on my belly, relishing those final baby kicks. OH, KEL…the best-laid plans.  Sure, it would have been nice to have a few days to settle into my maternity leave and prep for baby’s arrival, but whatever. I wouldn’t trade the past five days for anything – they’ve been a long, long time coming.

Ah, 2020…do I even bother with a highlight reel?  From what has been declared by so many to have been the shittiest year on record?  Tempting as it is to just toss last year from the memory banks, I do believe there was beauty in the ashes.  Good books and good music and more time with my two favorite people than I ever could have hoped for.  So here goes…

Favorite book:

I finished 20 books and can say I actually liked all of them!

Fiction took the cake this year, with The River by Peter Heller and Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens keeping me up reading into the wee hours of the night.  Both of these books completely transported me, to the Canadian wilderness and the marshy shores of North Carolina.  

Honorable mention to The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate, which I read with Juliette, snuggled into her bed as tears streamed down my face.  That one got me right in the heart.

Favorite non-fiction was Be the Bridge by Latasha Morrison, because it made racial reconciliation feel possible while still laying bare the white supremacy that’s so deeply woven into the fabric of our nation.  There is hope.  There’s work to be done, but there’s hope.

 

Favorite TV show:

Top honors to The Queen’s Gambit.  I will say that I tuned into this one a little reluctantly, only after Shane’s urging.  Chess?  Not my thing.  But the characters were brilliant and the acting was superb and the camaraderie that shines at the end gave me all the warm fuzzies.  Plus, that 60’s wallpaper!  It’s a feast for the eyes.

Honorable mention to The Great British Baking Show for gracing us with a surprise new season last summer.  I wasn’t sure how they’d pull it off in Covid times, but they did.  And for several weeks, it gave our family something to look forward to on Friday nights.  2020 was all about the little things.

 

Favorite movie:

I’m having a hard time recalling which movies I even watched last year as all those evenings on the couch are sort of melding together, but I know that we loved Onward for all its tugging on the familial heart-strings.  Super-sweet story with a handful of good laughs.

 

Favorite podcast:

Another toughie!  I’m still quite happy in my rut with The Daily, Reply All and Heavyweight, but I did expand my horizons to include Unlocking Us with Brene Brown this year.  She’s got a way with an interview, and her episodes with Austin Channing Brown, Laverne Cox, and Dolly Parton rattled around in my head for days after I listened to them.

 

Favorite album:

Easy.  Taylor Swift gave our family a much-needed gift with her release of Folklore (and then did it again with Evermore!).  The number of times I’ve watched Juliette tip-toe dance across the living room to Mirror Ball…  And Exile never ever gets old, even after 200 listens.  Thanks, T-Swift.

 

Favorite purchase:

We didn’t buy any life-changing new gadgets last year.  I certainly didn’t invest in any great clothing, as I had nowhere to wear it.  Most of our spending went into home improvement, as being home all day, every day gave me ample opportunities to come up with new fix-it, replace-it, and decorate-it projects.  The main wall in our entryway has been blank and asking for some sort of art since we moved in and I found the perfect piece in this 3D wooden map from Enjoy the Wood.  Puzzling this thing together on the wall was a fun Saturday project and a stellar geography lesson.  Juliette has mapped out our trip to New Zealand (via Paris) and now I can proudly report that I know where Baffin Island is!

 

Favorite personal pastime:

Again, home improvement for the win.  I crossed a lot of projects off my list last year, big and small, and as we settle in for another couple (few?  several?) months of hunkering down, I feel affirmed that every hour and every dollar was well worth it.  While the bathroom reno wins grand prize in terms of upgrades, there was also a lot of joy in banging out the little things that have bugged me for the past two years.  Ugly nipple lights in the hallway?  Gone.  Dirty, clunky fireplace grate?  Sayonara.  And I’m still loving our dining room wall.

 

Favorite family pastime:

Welp, I suppose I have to find an answer other than camping given how little we got out last year…  Our family discovered a shared loved of card games toward the end of last year when we taught Juliette how to play Rummy and now spend almost every evening at the dining room table trying to be the first to 200.  I tell you, total game-changer (pun intended) when your kid becomes old enough to play things you actually enjoy.  7 p.m. has become my favorite part of the day, when dinner is done and screens are put away and Taylor Swift is cranked up and cards are dealt.

 

And, favorite moments…

There’s no denying that 2020 was rife with loss, but in our quiet little Schnell bubble, after a 2019 that found me away from my family far too much, I’m exceedingly thankful to have made my way back home.

It’s been hard to sit down and put words to my feelings about this new Covid-19 way of life.  Partly because my feelings are all over the map.  But also because the news is changing so quickly (and somehow also not at all?).  Five weeks ago we were wondering how in the world we’d weather a two-week school closure and I was conceding to Shane, “Ok, we’ll skip dinner at our the Rusts’ house just this week, until this whole thing blows over”.  And now school is closed for the rest of the year and I feel like I may never hug Nancy or La Verne again!  I’m in an emotional tailspin, feeling ups, downs, and every-which-ways every 15 minutes.  I’m loving the extra time at home after a season of being away so much, but am increasingly desperate to be out and about.  I’m thankful we’ve stayed healthy and absolutely believe that we can get through this, but I’m frustrated and bitter about all the missing-out, about the cancellation of the kindergarten musical and the Easter service at church.  One moment I’m listless, unable to extract myself from the couch, and then I’m suddenly swept up in a frantic bout of doing, cleaning the house with a vigor that’s almost manic.  I’m tired.  A little worried.  And lately pretty lonely.  The drama of it all overwhelmed me last Sunday as we joined our Easter church service from our couch and Matt sang Waymaker and I saw La Verne in a little square on the upper left corner of our TV playing her cello from her music room.  I missed our church and being in the physical presence of people so much that I couldn’t help the tears from spilling over.  This quiet retreat into the cozy enclave of our home was nice for a couple of weeks, but I think I’m done now.  Over it.

Juliette’s done, too – she came home from playing with the neighbor kids outside later that day and when I asked her about the chip crumb on her mouth (we’ve had so many talks about not sharing snacks right now), she started to sob, wracked with a wave of guilt.  “I’m so sorry!  It’s just hard, Mommy!  I want it to be like it was!  I’m sorry!  I won’t play with anyone else until the virus goes away, I promise…I’m sorry!”  She then stormed down the hallway, slammed her bedroom door, flung herself onto her bed, and yelled “I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE!” when I knocked gently on her door.  This damn virus has turned my little girl into a brooding teenager!  She eventually let me in and I held her close and then Shane entered a few minutes later to find us both weeping.  Happy Easter, folks!

But like we sang that earlier that morning,

You made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way

There’s a way through this.  I don’t know what that looks like or when full relief will come, but God will make a way.  Maybe God’s making a way right now, even as we’re in the thick of it?  Maybe this is the way, piecing together a slap-dash homeschool schedule and savoring the beauty of our own backyard and scheduling Zoom calls with our family and friends?

We winged the first two days of homeschool, but after being interrupted by Juliette every seven minutes because she was bored or couldn’t find her colored pencils or wanted to show us the spider outside her window, we found we needed more structure.  Shane laid it all out in half-hour increments.  Piano, writing, snack, art, science, lunch, math, reading, RECESS.  On the best days we hit five out of six subjects.  On the worst days, which are usually the days when Shane and I are busiest with work, Juliette ping-pongs between us until we finally send her outside to see if she can rustle up some outdoor playtime with the neighbors.  It’s hard.  But the moments when I’m able to work with her quietly working alongside me?  Those are the best.

Science scrounge: basement constellations.

Juliette misses her teachers and her classmates fiercely and has taken to writing letters to them each day.  I loved this note for her teacher…”Luckily I am just a few blocks away.  Feel free to drop a letter off…”  She’s so subtle.

Juliette’s school holds an online “assembly” every day for all the kids and the principal reads a book or the art teacher leads an activity or the school counselor takes a poll on how everyone is feeling.  I do enjoy peeking over her shoulder, getting to see her school’s leaders in action.

Juliette had her first call with her class last week and her teacher asked everyone to wear a hat for show and tell.  This kid took the challenge all the way!

The utmost kudos to Shane for truly channeling his inner teacher.  I knew he was good, but he’s good.  He leads Juliette through piano lessons each morning and sets aside time with her each afternoon to work on projects for the coding class she’s taking.

Meanwhile, I bake with her.  Measuring flour counts for math, I guess?

I think, I hope, we’re finding our rhythm.  I can see Juliette becoming ever-so-slightly more independent, able to enjoy time on her own for 20 or 30-minute stretches.  Last week I came into her room and found that she’d converted her bed into a boat and was ready to cruise the world, with a plastic plate for a ship’s wheel and an Easter basket full of snacks.

And at the end of the day, even after it feels like I’ve told her 47 times that I don’t have time to play with her, she still likes me!  Sweet, forgiving child.  At bedtime, after I tuck her in, she begs me to stay and cuddle, because “she’ll miss me so much!”  I’m more than ready for a god-dang break by 8pm, but Juliette, I appreciate the sentiment.

Finally, on Fridays, we toast with white wine and ginger ale, celebrating the fact that we made it another week.

Like much of the world, we’re leaning on technology to connect us with our nearest and dearest.  Church online, virtual happy hours and breakfasts with the gang, Zoom calls with the family…while it’s no substitute for spending time together in the flesh, it’s something.

Thankfully, thankfully the weather has been good enough to be outdoors and we’ve done lots of exploring in our neighborhood.  We scaled a large hill near Me Kwa Mooks with our neighbors last month and came across a couple of surprise rope swings.

And the blooms.  The blooms!  I lamented the fact that we missed the UW cherry blossoms this year, but West Seattle is full of pink and white.

Our backyard hit peak magic last week, color-wise, and has been the perfect place to eat lunch al fresco, or to send Juliette outside to burn off some wiggles.

This is the view from where I work – while these girls are sitting a little too close together, still, I’m thankful for neighborhood playmates.

I’ve been impressed with how good the kids are at finding things to do outdoors.  For example, the burial and memorial tribute to the bird that crashed into our window and died took up a good couple of hours while I was tied up on a work call.

We dusted off our fire pit a couple of weeks ago and have loved ending the day with sunset s’mores.

Plus, our back porch is perfect for P.E.!

…and…snow angels?

I mentioned the big emotions Easter Sunday brought, but in between the crying there was a very sweet egg hunt and some cherished family time.  Plus, Juliette loved having an excuse to put on a dress and tights and raid her dress-up drawer for her bunny ears.

 

 

 

I wonder what my lasting memories of this virus will be.  Probably people in masks.  Playgrounds strung with caution tape.  Working nights to make up for days full of distractions.  But also, this.  Family togetherness like we’ve never known before and likely won’t ever experience again.  Inconvenient, patience-testing, love-filled, restorative togetherness.  I’m here for it.

The 2019 highlight reel!  These are a few of my favorite things…

Favorite book:

As per usual, I fell short of my annual reading goal, but finished 17 books and liked most of them.

Favorite fiction was Red at the Bone by Jacqueline Woodson.  I grabbed this one from the library on a whim while I was waiting for Juliette to pick out her books and it surprised me the very best way.  Woodson has a way of bringing you up close and personal with her characters in so few words.

Favorite non-fiction was Shameless by Nadia Bolz-Weber, because it challenged ideas of mine that I didn’t even know were up for debate.

And favorite of favorites, in a category all its own, was Devotions by Mary Oliver, because…Mary.  I lugged this book around on nearly all of our camping trips and have the fondest of memories of reading about nature and beauty and solitude while the waters of Priest Lake shimmered in the distance.

 

Favorite movie:

I was a year late on watching this one, but I caught Bohemian Rhapsody on one of my flights to San Diego and YOWSERS.  Totally brilliant.  I never really loved Queen, but suddenly found myself with a profound appreciation for Freddy Mercury’s creativity and talent.  Five stars.

 

Favorite TV show:

Again, I’m late to the party, but helloooooo Stranger Things!  I initially passed on the first couple of seasons, put off by the sounds of shrieking girls and screeching creatures as Shane binge-watched this show downstairs, but he finally convinced me to sit down and give the show an honest shot before Season 3 dropped this summer.  So we watched Season 1.  And 2.  And then 3.  And it was good.  So ridiculously, outlandishly good.

(Honorable mention to Succession!)

 

Favorite podcast:

I’m still faithful to my tried-and-true trifecta of The Daily, Reply All and Heavyweight (Heavyweight!  Listen to #27 Scott and try not to cry).  But I’ve got a new favorite, and it’s got very little substance, but WHATEVER.  I’m loving Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend when I want…a friend!  So light, so funny, so easy to imagine you’re in the room with Conan and his assistant Sona.  Best episodes include his chats with Malcolm Gladwell, Steven Colbert, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

 

Favorite song:

Oh boy.  This one is hard.  Especially now, when it feels like we’re stuck in an endless loop of Frozen 2 tracks.  We listened to a lot of Taylor Swift this year.  Hopped on the Billie Eilish bandwagon.  Juliette and I instated a Dixie Chicks revival.  But the song that probably got the most play is Some Type of Love by Charlie Puth – it’s poppy and sweet and perfect for belting out when Jules and I are cruising in the Subaru.

 

Favorite purchase:

We have a concrete pad in our backyard that’s been screaming for a fire pit since we moved in.  After searching high and low for something not-too-big and not-too-ugly, we landed on the Solo Stove and it’s been great!  Compact, burns crazy-hot, and the perfect reason for the kids to gather on the backyard on a summer evening.

 

Favorite personal pastime:

Totally stumped on this one, as I feel like 2019 was the year of “painfully minimal personal time”.  Work kind of sucked me dry last year.  But.  BUT!  The work travel that zapped me was also dotted with some pretty incredible beachfront evening strolls.  How lucky am I that my project site is a mile from here?!

 

Favorite family pastime:

Juliette has recently graduated from mind-numbingly simple games like Candy Land to board games that I actually want to play.  Ticket to Ride!  Harry Potter Hogwarts Battle!  Quirkle!  We’re in such a good game groove right now – I’m loving winter weekend mornings when we can crank up the fire place, pour a couple of mugs of hot chocolate, and open up the game cupboard.  (Again, though, as I say every year, camping ultimately for the win.)

 

And, favorite moments…

 

Show me whatcha got, 2020.

The message at church last Sunday was all about Joy.  JOY.  Seeking joy.  Sharing joy.  And pausing to fully revel in joy when you unexpectedly stumble upon it.  Be present in the spontaneous moments of mirth, “stop and snap a memory picture of them”.  This struck a particular chord with me – I pack joy into our holiday calendar in the form of tree hunts and Santa visits and Christmas light tours, but I’m seeing there’s actually so much extra goodness to be found in the in-between times, if I just step back for a hot minute and let life happen.  This past weekend was busy, with a company holiday party and a birthday party and a Santa visit and cookie decorating and a Christmas lights bonanza, but the moment that’s given me warm fuzzies all week long wasn’t a part of any Christmas programming.  It was a Saturday evening and I was feverishly cleaning the house before our neighbors came over for dessert and Shane was blaring Chicago songs on Alexa when You’re the Inspiration started playing and he grabbed me for a living room slow dance.

“You know our love was meant to beeeeee…the kind of love that lasts foreverrrr…”

I sighed at first, annoyed by the interruption (dishes to do!), but then channeled my inner romantic and leaned my head against his chest.  Juliette stood by and grinned at the sight of the two of us swaying together with our hands clasped in some kind of slow waltz, and then she did the same – put her left arm around an imaginary waist and raised her right arm to hold an imaginary hand and swayed right along with us.  She looked up at us both with twinkling eyes and then dashed to her room to grab her teddy bear to bring him back for the chorus.

“You’re the meaning in my life…You’re the inspirationnnn…”

Shane leaned down and kissed me on the cheek and then Juliette kissed her teddy bear on the cheek in just the same gentle way and I nearly burst into tears with the goofy tenderness of it all.

JOY.  I’m here for it.

Juliette and I have put In November by Cynthia Rylant into our recent reading rotation, flipping pages that speak to the quiet and coziness of this month.  In November, mice burrow into little barn nests and dogs curl up by fires and families share pies while sitting by crackling woodstoves. In November, in this book, all is well.

In reality, though, this month has been tough.  In November, the sun started setting well before 5 pm, which zapped me of my evening energy.  In November, my mom underwent her first round of chemo to treat her recent cancer diagnosis.  In November, I endured one of the busiest, most stressful seasons I’ve ever had at work while Shane struggled to find his footing in his new job.  In November, Juliette proudly presented me with a card she’d written out all by herself at school that said, “Dear Mommy, I wish you did not have to go to San Diego all the time.  In November, all did not feel well.

So I’m self-medicating with Vitamin D capsules and lots of water.  Some nights I’m allowing myself to fall asleep in Juliette’s bed with her at 8 pm.  And I’m getting outside.

I literally headed for the hills at the end of a particularly busy week and spent a Friday morning hiking up to Mason Lake.

The terrain was so diverse, alternating from closed-in woods to panoramic views.

I sat lakeside for a bit and savored every bite of my granola bar, recuperating from the steep 3.5-mile uphill climb.

I made it.  And it was good.

 

Even on gray days, I’ve been trying to rally and do a loop down by the water.  There’s solace in fog, like the weather is saying, “I know how you feel…”

 

The ultimate solace continues to be a walk through the leaves with Shane and Juliette – we spent a Sunday at Ravenna Park strolling and crunching.  Juliette insisted on wearing this rubber finger that someone gave her while trick-or-treating.  She’s so weird.  I love her.

(Juliette does not seem to be one for November blues.)

This grove is one of my favorite Fall spots.

 

We arrived in Idaho this afternoon for a few mellow days with my parents (my mom is doing phenomenal, by the way!), so it looks like we’ll be rounding out November with pie and fireside chatter after all.  In November…there’s still plenty to be thankful for.

It took all of two weeks for those final mellow days of 2018 to feel like a distant memory – the new year is HERE and it’s busy as all get-out.  But 2018 still deserves a proper homage, a proper highlight reel. My favorites, in no particular order…

Favorite book:

I didn’t read nearly as much fiction last year as I hoped to, but the few I did pick up were very solid choices.  4.6 stars out of 5 to The Invention of Wings by Sue Monk Kidd for breaking my heart and putting it back together again.

In the non-fiction category, 4.7 stars for Educated by Tara Westover, which had me hooked from page 1.

I’ve been trying to leave more poetry laying around the house on our coffee and end tables to be picked up in a free moment and had my literary mind blown by Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson, which was such a beautiful mix of poetry and memoir. 4.8 stars.

 

Favorite movie:

I made it to the movie theater a whopping THREE times this year!  I think that’s three times the number of new movies I saw in 2017, so I’ll take it!  Award goes to Mary Poppins Returns for positively exuding creative energy.  Juliette carries her umbrella with her everywhere now.

 

Favorite TV show:

By about a thousand points, the new Queer Eye on Netflix takes the prize.  I tuned into an episode on the recommendation of a friend and was immediately smitten with Jonathan, Karamo, Tan, Bobby and Antoni.  This show was a much-needed, light-hearted reminder that in these divided times, people can still come together with vastly different perspectives and weave something beautiful.

(Honorable mention to Better Call Saul!)

 

Favorite podcast:

This one’s tough, as I didn’t venture much outside my usual fare of Reply All and The Daily.  But there were a couple of Oprah Super-Soul Conversations that really had me Amen-ing on my lunchtime walks (favorites include her chats with Cheryl Strayed, Julia Roberts, and Steven Pressfield).  Also, muchas gracias to The Story Pirates for capturing Juliette’s attention on many a long car ride.

 

Favorite song:

I just scrolled through my latest Amazon playlist in search of any standout faves and had a hard time finding anything that rocked my world.  However, I have dozens of happy memories of Jules and I bopping our heads along to Jack Johnson’s I Got You.  This tune’s a few years old, but it’s gotten its second wind in our house on cozy Saturday mornings when we’re making breakfast and reading books in our pajamas.

 

Favorite purchase:

I started typing about the delicate gold stacking rings I’ve been wearing every day since I picked them up in Paris, but couldn’t shake the feeling that I was missing something bigger and better.  Duh.  Our house!  Golly, we feel like we hit the real estate jackpot.  I mean, this place isn’t perfect – the toilets are pink and there’s a portion of the basement that inexplicably smells a little footy, but it’s home through and through and I feel a little buzz of gratitude every time I walk through the front door.

 

Favorite personal pastime:

I bought a package of classes at my local Barre3 studio right after Thanksgiving, hoping that would jump-start me out of my fitness slump.  It felt like a splurge since I already had access to the online workouts and could do those at home, but my living room exercise sessions were lacking a certain focus and energy.  And…wowsers – the studio classes are kicking my butt in the most fun way.  The music and the pumped-up teachers and the presence of 15 of 20 other bad-ass women moving along-side me – total fitness game changer.  Plus, it gets me out of the house on these dark winter evenings, when I’m tempted to go to bed at 7:30 pm.

 

Favorite family pastime:

I could populate this field with camping each and every year, but I’ll give it a break and talk about our family bike rides.  Bicycle Sundays are so fun with all three of us on wheels and with Juliette’s big new bike, I’m expecting we’ll venture to new paths this coming year.  (Seriously, though, camping for the win.)

 

And, favorite moments…

CHEERS TO THE NEW YEAR!

Our community group is doing a series of “self-portraits” this year, where everyone takes a turn describing themselves with whatever medium they choose.  There have been poems and essays and timelines and memento-filled shoe boxes, each telling a unique story.  Given my penchant for reminiscing, I decided to go way back (all the way back!) and cull through my photo albums, selecting and sharing a snapshot from each year I’ve lived.  This was such a meaningful exercise that I wanted to capture it here on the blog – not as a complete life story, but as a series of moments or phases or people that have stirred my soul in some way or another.  There are high highs and low lows.  And some very questionable hairstyles…

My mom woke up in the middle of the night in Denver, Colorado on October 9, 1981 and “felt things happening” – it was go-time!  She wanted to pack a lunch for my dad and get a few things ready, but my grandma promptly pushed my parents out the door and told them to get their butts to the hospital.  At 11 am, all 7 pounds, 11 ounces of me made my arrival.



I don’t remember anything from 1982, but photos tell me that I took my first trip to Florida that year and loved the beach.  I teethed on chicken drumsticks and my favorite hiding place was in the cabinets under the kitchen sink.



In 1983 we took our first family camping trip, in the Colorado Rocky Mountains.  My parents were novice campers and grabbed the cheapest gear they could find – my mom ended up zipping our sleeping bags together so that we could keep warm in the cold Colorado nights.  I got filthy and poked at the campfire with my “burning stick” (my parents apparently gave me oodles of freedom) and got my first taste of the beloved outdoors. It tasted like Tang and roasted marshmallows, so clearly I was all in.



My best friend Amy lived just two doors down from us on Dean Drive and we spent much of our time running back and forth between each other’s houses.  She had a pretend grocery store in her basement with a cash register that actually beeped and I had a sand box in my back yard, so we both brought something valuable to the friendship.  In 1984 we had matching Raggedy Anne dolls. And our moms cut our hair.

In 1985 my bowl-cut grew out.  But my bangs-game was strong.

Most of my memories from the first few years of my life involve the outdoors – winter snow forts and summer sand box castles and trips to the mountains with my family.  I prided myself on being my dad’s fishing buddy, picking the worms out of his bait bowl and then dropping my own line near the shore. Sometimes I got lucky, like on this 1986 trip to the river.



I was always trying (and usually failing) to keep up with my older brother – I remember watching Mitch zoom down the street on his bike or kick the soccer ball around with his friends, our five-year age gap seemingly insurmountable as he left me in his dust.  However, on family vacations he had no choice but to hang out with me! This is us on a 1987 camping trip to Ruedi Reservoir.



I have the fondest memories of visiting my grandparents in Maryland – Nannie kept an endless supply of Brach’s hard candy in her crystal candy dish and my Aunt Norma had an above-ground pool in her backyard.  My cousin Rachel was the coolest – she taught me all the words to Tiffany’s I Think We’re Alone Now and we had some killer dress-up sessions with treasures from Nannie’s closet. If this picture were zoomed out a little, you’d see that I was wearing a great pair of Nannie’s heels – 1988 was apparently the dawn of my shoe fetish!



The blissful summer of 1989 was our last in Colorado, as my dad was transferred to McMinnville, Oregon in the fall of that year.  My brother and I were both devastated when we found out we were moving – I was spending more time than ever with Amy, and Mitch’s best friend Duane lived two doors down in the other direction.  Our street was the center of our universe, and the thought of leaving it all behind was unbearable.



Our first few months in McMinnville were…transitional.  We lived in a couple of rentals while waiting for our new house to be built.  I was quite shy at my new school and didn’t make any immediate friends (though I do remember getting a particularly amorous Valentine from Justin McKinney).   I spent a lot of time with my stuffed animals.

By 1991 Oregon had become home – I had found a few friends and loved Friday night sleep-overs, where we’d pull out the sofa bed and watch the full TGIF line-up, making each other giggle with our Urkel impressions.

In 1992 I saw Wayne’s World for the first time, while slumber partying at my friend Lindsey’s house. We both became completely obsessed with the movie, learning all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody and creating our own low-budget version of Wayne and Garth’s cable show.  It was called Babe’s World and we recorded episode after episode on my audio cassette recorder.  I mean, that perm!  Nothing screams “babe” like a triangle-shaped haircut.



In 1993 my dad’s job uprooted our family again and moved us to Turlock, California.  I had a lonely start to sixth grade and have distinct memories of sitting at our kitchen table, telling my mom through tears that no one liked me and that I wanted to move back to Oregon and my Babe’s World co-host.  Thankfully, my loneliness was short-lived and by October I was able to get up the gumption to invite a few girls over for my twelfth birthday party. And they actually showed up! Bless their hearts. Francine, on the right, ended up being a bridesmaid at my wedding thirteen years later.



In 1994 I entered seventh grade at Turlock Junior High.  The words “Junior High” literally make my stomach flip-flop.  The girls I had befriended in our cozy, insular sixth grade classroom left me in their dust when we hit the big-time.  They joined forces with the richest, prettiest girls from the other elementary schools to become “The Preps” (my words, not theirs).  Thankfully, THANKFULLY, I had a true friend in Jody. There were times when I had an only friend in Jody. We saved each other from eating alone at lunch time and we spent every Friday night together, memorizing the words to Smashing Pumpkins’ 1979 and Bush’s Glycerine and No Doubt’s Don’t Speak.  We were convinced that good music had the power to make us cool.

In 1995 I dabbled in “grunge”, wearing men’s polos and oversized flannels and suede Vans.  I begged my parents for a skateboard, to complete the look, but they said no.  I lived for the moment between first and second period when I would cross paths with Justin Houts, the end-all be-all in cute skater boys.  He had no idea who I was.

In 1996 I left the cold, cruel world of Junior High for the bigger, colder, crueller world of High School.  On the first day of our freshman year, Jody and I walked the two blocks to our high school together, clinging to each other for dear life and setting a very specific lunchtime rendez-vous point.  We spent all week every week looking forward to the weekend, when we could hole up in the safety of Jody’s bedroom and be unabashedly silly and talk freely about our crushes and do each other’s make-up.

  And check us out, doing a selfie before selfies were even a thing!

In 1997 I had my first beer and my first cigarette and my first joint.  I was rebellious and “cool” and down-for-anything (and desperate to feel included).  I was also super-involved in my youth group and jumped at each chance to go to winter camp or to summer camp or to Six Flags.  I was goofy and fun and intensely boy-crazy (and desperate to feel included). Teenage years are hard, gang.



In 1998 I fell away from the party crowd and started hanging out regularly with a group of seven other girls.  We cruised down Geer Road on Friday nights, belting out the words to Cowboy, Take Me Away and spent hours in the aisles of Blockbuster Video, agonizing over the perfect movie selection, which we usually didn’t watch anyway because we spent the whole night talking and giggling.  Jody and I had found our people. We belonged, and it felt so, so good.

In 1999 I was asked out on a date by the nephew of a couple whose kids I baby-sat.  I said yes, and he took me to the movies to see Notting Hill and then out for milkshakes.  He was cute and wore good-smelling cologne and drove an electric-blue Dodge Neon that started only sometimes.  His name was Shane.  



In 2000 I packed up my truck, said teary good-bye’s to Shane and to Jody, and caravanned with my mom and dad to San Luis Obispo to get settled into my dorm at Cal Poly.  I had chosen to major in architecture and was immediately overwhelmed by the work load, staying up well past midnight every night struggling through calculus equations and drafting complicated two-point perspectives.  I have a very specific memory of taking my dorm room phone out into the hallway, dialing Shane’s number, and sobbing about how stressed out I was while my roommate, Jenny, invited a pile of friends to come over to our room to just “hang out”.  What had I gotten myself into?



In 2001 Shane and I settled into our long-distance relationship.  It was hard, seeing each other only once or twice a month, but it freed me up to work like a dog during the week,  and the anticipation of those weekend visits was fun and romantic. My stomach would be a-twitter with butterflies on Friday evenings as I waited for Shane to pull up in his yellow Volkswagon, and then we’d greet each other with the ooiest-gooiest embrace.  Ahhh, young love… 



Between the out-of-town boyfriend and the long hours in studio, I didn’t find myself with a lot of time for socializing with my Cal Poly classmates.  I joined a co-ed fraternity and went to handful of parties, but my heart was still very much back in Turlock with my girls.  Christmas break 2002 was a series of movie nights and Jamba Juice runs and living into the comfort of being 100% myself.



In the summer of 2003 I boarded a plane for Paris and kicked off my year of studying abroad.  That first month in France was one of the best and worst months of my life. Paris was one of Cal Poly’s smaller, less-organized study-abroad programs, so I was left to find my own way through enrolling in classes and getting my student visa and setting up my phone line and bank account – all in a language I was struggling to learn.  But I DID IT. And when my friends from Cal Poly’s Florence program came to visit me that October, I showed them around the city like I owned the place.



By 2004 I had fully embraced La Vie Francaise.  I met friends down by the Seine for late-night picnics.  I frequented a Brazilian bar named Favela Chic with my friend Nikole and sipped Caperinhas and danced until 2 in the morning.  I would wake up at 10 am and then spend hours at a time just walking through the city, stopping when I pleased at a cafe terrace to order a 2-euro espresso and write or draw pensively in my little black journal.  I got a membership to the Pompidou and fell in love with art. I took a solo trip to Berlin and Prague and Copenhagen and went to a Czech nightclub with a handful of hostel roommates (seriously, who was I?). I wore my independence like a badge of honor.



In 2005 I completed my architectural thesis, a conceptual bath house that commentated on gender and gentrification and other too-big issues.  The nights in studio were long, but when the stress got to be too much, someone cranked up Hey Ya on the stereo and we all took a dance break.  I ran my pinky finger through the table saw when working in the shop on my final model and was set back a few days by the surgery I needed to reattach the tendon.  My half-arm cast made it hard for me to model-build, but my dad came down to help me finish up my shop work and Shane came down to help me set up my final display, pulling his first college all-nighter.  All the blood, sweat, and tears was well worth-it – my determination had been pushed to new limits and my confidence that I was cut from creative cloth soared.  I was ready for the real world.  Which, it turned out, was not at all like college…

In 2006, nearly seven years after our first date, Shane and I said our I-do’s on the lawn of a lovely Turlock dairy.  Shane’s vows made me cry and the whole ceremony made my dad cry and then dinner was served and wine was poured and we all laughed and danced the night away.



In 2007 Shane and I signed about a million pieces of paper and were the proud owners of a new Columbia City townhouse.  I loved making that place home, painting each room a (regrettable) shade of blue and stocking it with (mostly IKEA) furniture.  I was finding adult-ing to be much more satisfying that I’d imagined.



On the afternoon of March 2008, my brother called me to let me know that Elise Wynn had been born early that morning.  I immediately loved her.  And I really loved this new tender-hearted side of my brother. 



We had started a c-group with a group of random folks in 2007 and by 2009 we were all-in, all the time, spending many of our weekends together.  Most of us were transplants from other states, so we were each other’s local family.  We called each other for help moving and started a slew of annual traditions, like the fall pumpkin patch/dumpling-making bonanza.



After a couple of years of dabbling in art workshops at community colleges and Pratt, in 2010 I hung twelve encaustic  paintings on the walls of the Q Cafe and invited all my friends to my real-life “opening”. I had found the realities of architecture to be less creatively-fulfilling that I’d hoped, but getting into the studio and producing a body of work that legitimized my aspirations of “artist” was incredibly gratifying.



In 2011, after a year of trying and hoping and praying for a baby, I found out I was pregnant.  Two weeks later, I started my period, which was weird, because doesn’t that go away when you’re pregnant?  We went to the doctor and heard the heaviest-ever silence where we should have heard a heartbeat. We went home and I spent the next 48 hours curled up on the couch, sobbing.  Nancy came over and I told her I just wanted this thing, this thing that just a few days earlier had been my beloved baby, out of my body so that I could move on. I miscarried that afternoon.  I didn’t move on.

I’ve termed 2012 my “dark year”, as I was all-consumed by my infertility, convinced that God, my body, and the glowing pregnant lady I often saw on my morning commute had all conspired against me to make my life less-than.  One by one, my girlfriends announced their pregnancies.  I sat across from La Verne at the bakery and struggled through tears to tell her that I was happy for her and Jack, but she knew me and my struggle well enough to know that my envy was almost suffocating.  On a happier note, the Giants won the World Series that year and we had a hell of a time watching their wins over hot dogs and fried zucchini at the Auto Battery with our crew.

On September 14, 2013, Juliette Grace reluctantly left my belly and entered my arms.  She was none-too-pleased about the whole thing, fiercely emotional from the get-go, but it was the happiest day of my life.

In March of 2014 my maternity leave ended and I returned to work, easing back into my job with a three-day work week.  Gosh, that very first daycare drop-off was rough.  ROUGH.  Shane and I stood on the street corner outside of daycare and struggled to hold it together as our very-attached baby cried in the arms of her new caretaker.  I spent as many lunch hours as possible with Juliette in those first couple of months, “jail-breaking” her on sunny afternoons for walks along the waterfront.

In 2015 we took our first trip to Minnesota with Juliette.  I loved watching her run free on the dirt roads and climb up into Grandpa’s tractor.  Mostly though, I loved watching Shane’s family love on our little girl with such abandon.  It was abundantly clear: she’s so very lucky to be a Schnell.

In 2016 we took our first camping trip with Juliette – it rained most of the weekend and we spent several hours holed up in a Roslyn cafe with the Hickory’s.  But we survived, soggy marshmallows and all, and cemented our fate as a camping family.  I was proudly carrying on a much-beloved Jarrell torch.

2017 was a year of incredible adventure – we camped in Canada and wine-tasted in Napa and did the all-inclusive thing in Mexico.  I spent a few days in Paris with La Verne.  But our close-to-home trips were some of my favorites, like the few days we spent along the Hood Canal with Mitch and his family.  We paddle-boarded and kayaked and dance-partied.  Shane scooped fresh oysters off the shore.  And got unbearably sick.  But still, the water was amazing.  And the cousin-love was fierce.

And in 2018, the Schnells bought a new house!  New to us, at least…  We closed on this 1950’s brick beauty on Monday and will move in two short weeks.  Our heads are still spinning from how quickly our very long search came to an end, but we are over the moon and can’t wait to kick off this next chapter in our lives.

 

Closing thoughts?  Mostly, I’m exceedingly thankful.  Thankful that my parents planted a nature-loving seed in me at a very young age.  Thankful for the number of kindred spirits that God has placed in my life over the years, girls and women that have carried me through some dark and lonely times.  Thankful for the places I’ve been and the things I’ve done and the person I am. But, I also see the gaps.  Gaps in the shape of places I want to go and people I want to know better and ways I want to give more.  May the next 36 photos fill in those gaps.  And so much more.