little black journal

La Verne sent me a link to this pattern a couple of months ago with the message “wouldn’t this be the cutest on Jules?”.  Yes, La Verne, actually it would!

I had some chunky blue yarn I was going to use for a hat, but I opted for this instead – it knitted up super-fast and only required one quick YouTube refresher course to finish off the ears.  Shane thinks she looks like a Teletubby, but I don’t care – she’s wearing this thing for as long as I can get it over her head!

Pattern available for purchase on Ravelry.

I know, we’re 8 days in 2015; it’s time to get on board with the new year and close the books on 2014, but I can’t just yet.  It was such a good year.  There were downs, for sure, but the highs were so beautifully high.  I want to memorialize that goodness one last time before setting my feet firmly in 2015, so I’m borrowing a theme from La Verne and jotting down my own 2014 time capsule.

Favorite movie:  I only made it to the movies a handful of times but I’m glad I was able to experience Wild on the big screen.

I read the book, a true-story chronicle of Cheryl Strayed’s solo hike along the Pacific Crest Trail, a couple of years ago and loved it. And I think I loved the on-screen version even more.  I spent a good half of the movie either holding my breath or holding back tears – Reese Witherspoon nailed it.

Favorite TV show:  Homeland was killer last season, Parenthood had me in tears a few times, but girls, girls, Girls!

Wow, Lena Dunham/Hannah Horvath is brilliant – funny and articulate and creative and original.  Not the kind of show you want to watch with your parents, but it was just the thing I needed to counteract my Sunday night blues.  Award for most-transformed television character goes to Hannah’s boyfriend, Adam.

Favorite song:  Jules and I listen to more Taylor Swift than I’d like to admit, but when I’m at work or in the car alone and put on my “latest faves” Spotify playlist, Ledges by Noah Gundersen is the first song that plays.

I saw him perform three or four years ago and have been a fan ever since – I’m not sure if it’s the husky voice or the accompaniment of his sister’s violin or the emotionally-charged lyrics, but I can’t get enough.

Favorite new accessory:  Shane bought me a black leather cross-body Kate Spade purse for Christmas, and I’m still kind of swooning over it.

Perfectly sized, the leather drapes beautifully when the bag isn’t full, the lining and stitching and buckles all have that extra-refined high-quality touch – this is first really nice purse I’ve owned and…I’m afraid Kohl’s just lost a customer.

Favorite purchase:  At the risk of sounding unbelievably un-thrilling, its our Dyson cordless vacuum.

This was our one Black Friday purchase, and it’s a total game changer.  Super-portable, which is key for our three-level townhouse, particularly since we’ve added a cereal-spiller to our family.  We vacuum three times more often than we used to because it’s so easy to pull this thing out of the closet and run it for a few minutes. Honorable mention in the “favorite purchase” category goes to to the Bob running stroller we scored on Craigslist.

Favorite professional moment:  Standing at the top my project’s atrium, two and a half years after I sat down with the team to develop the first rough massing studies.

I know, it’s still got a ways to go, but my heart fluttered a little when I visited the jobsite last month and experienced the real-life proportions of the building I’ve seen only on paper (and screen) for so long – I’ve pored over the details of that atrium, and I’m feeling affirmed once all the scaffolding is out of there, the glass guardrails are in, and the cantilevered conference pods receive their wood cladding, it’s going to be amazing.

Favorite personal pastime:  “Me-time” was a little hard to come by in 2014, but when I did manage a break from work or baby, I…looked at pictures of baby.

It’s been a lot of fun though, chronicling Juliette’s life via blog and baby book.  I’m already forgetting what she looked like a few months ago, how old she was when she took her first swing ride or started crawling, so I’m glad I have a record of it.  And I’m glad she’ll have this record as well – today we pulled out her photo album and I told her stories about her early life (since she’s so old now!).  We looked at pictures from the time Grandma and Aunt Tiff came to visit and talked about our summer park outings with our buddies.  She seemed into it – I’m glad she’s starting to understand that I’m constantly shoving a camera in her face for good purpose!

On that note, favorite picture of Juliette (Lord knows there were so many!):  This one because it so perfectly captures that goofy, unbridled joy that made my heart fit to burst time and again.  Plus, I’m a sucker for that thigh roll.

And this one, because man, the number of times I have looked over at her sitting in her high chair, witnessed a new facial expression, and laughed out loud:

Ok, this one too (I knew I couldn’t pick just one!), because yikes!  That hair and those cheeks:

Favorite moments:

Probably this:

And this – the woods across the street from us have never looked more beautiful.  And our house has never felt cozier than it did after that walk, when we curled up on the couch with Jules and her favorite books:

But also this – oh, to feel the sun on my shoulders and the sand between my toes again:

And damn, this was good:

Alright, 2015.  I’m ready for ya now.  Top that.

I got off to a slow start in 2014 but breezed through a lot of fun reads the last couple of months, bringing my reading tally to 20 books.  Last year’s bookshelf contains my usual eclectic mix – a lot of memoirs, a couple of self-help books, a little poetry, some teen fiction…  The year in review:

The Sleepeasy Solution by Jennifer Waldburger

The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck

Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver

The Cuckoo’s Calling by Robert Galbraith

Help Thanks Wow by Anne Lamott

The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis

Everything is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer

I Am Malala by Malala Yousafzai

Life After Life by Kate Atkinson

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom

Le Divorce by Diane Johnson

A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving

Yes Please by Amy Poehler

The Perks of Being A Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky

Love Poems by Nikki Giovanni

Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott

Bossypants by Tina Fey

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking by Susan Cain

Best books of 2014:  I just finished Operating Instructions and have once again been wowed by Anne Lamott’s ability to speak to my soul – this journal of her first year of motherhood in all its ups and downs was so poignant and so familiar.  One moment her son is the light of her life, the sweetest, most beautiful creature ever to exist, the next moment he is the devil incarnate (love you, Jules!).  Honorable mention to Bossypants for being hilarious and engaging and exactly the kind of thing I was wanting to read on rainy December afternoons.  I should also give a shout-out to The Sleepeasy Solution for saving us from those late-night marathon baby-bouncing sessions as we “trained” the baby to get to sleep on her own (seriously, I love you, Jules!).

Worst book of 2014:  There are a few duds up there, but particularly wish I hadn’t wasted my time on Le Divorce.  I picked this one up because it’s set in Paris and the review I read promised the perfect mix of tragedy and comedy, but even the Parisian scenery wasn’t enough to get me on board.  Unbelievable, slooooow, and without a single likable character.

On the docket for 2015:  Last year was a little light on classics – going to make up for it this year by tackling The Brothers Karamazov and Uncle Tom’s Cabin.  I’d like to delve deeper into poetry as well, maybe pick up Wendell Berry or Maya Angelou.  And for balance, I’ll probably throw in a little Lena Dunham and Mindy Kaling, to stay well-rounded, of course…

Happy New Year!  The Christmas tree has been put out at the curb, the house is refreshingly decluttered after a January 1st organizing binge (another new tradition?), and I’m looking forward, thinking about my hopes and goals for 2015.  But first, a look back at how I did on last year’s resolutions:

Read to Juliette every day.  Check.  One of the easiest resolutions I’ve ever kept, as reading has become one of our favorite time-passers and an integral part of our nighttime routine.  Juliette loves when I throw the pillows on the floor and ask her to curl up next to me with I Want My Hat Back or Gossie.  She’s recently really taken to reading by herself as well – we did a little rearranging yesterday to set up a reading corner in our living room, and Juliette quickly grabbed a couple of books and claimed this chair as her own.

Limit all non-essential purchases to things that I truly love.  Gah!  Damn you, GAP sales!  I continue to be a total sucker for a that little kick of adrenaline that comes with a good deal or a new outfit, so my closet is filled with sweaters and jeans that I don’t need, but kinda like.  On the other hand, we’ve done well on the toy front and have made good use of gifts and borrowed items, only buying a few special books and blocks and puzzles for Juliette.  House purchases have been kept to a minimum as well – I picked up a couple of baskets to clean up our entryway and we invested in a totally-worth-it Dyson vacuum, but other than that, I steered clear of West Elm and Crate and Barrel.  The clothes, though, the clothes!  How quickly my resolve shatters when I see those brightly colored signs promising 50% off…

Limit my time on Facebook.  I’ve done alright on this one – there are still days when I fall down the Facebook vortex and find myself scrolling and scrolling and scrolling through status updates, wanting to be sure that I catch every new photo and linked article and clever blurb, but generally I’m finding that I care less and less about what I might be “missing” if I ease up on social media.  This means I’m reading more books, being more productive, and even getting a bit more sleep, since I’ve removed Facebook perusal from my bedtime routine.  Feels good.

Get back into a regular exercise rhythm (walk/run at least 365 miles this year).  Success!  I wanted to run at least half of these miles and squeaked by with a running tally of 185 miles and a walking tally of 187 miles, totaling 372 miles in 2014.  This resolution definitely got me back into the running groove, motivating me to get out there more often and for longer distances (although I still cut it dang close at the end – my goal-meeting run took place on New Years Eve!).  A special shout-out to Juliette, who embarked on at least three-quarters of these miles with me – I gave her a sweaty hug and a cookie when we finished Wednesday’s loop around Jefferson Park.  We did it, baby!

Two gold stars, one silver, and a bronze (or maybe copper?  I mean, I shopped those holiday sales hard).  Not too shabby, but plenty of room to grow.  Onward to 2015!

We set out for Portland on Christmas Eve, our trunk loaded with presents and wine and assorted goodies.  Juliette napped about half the way and then patiently chilled in the backseat for the last eighty miles – dare I hope that we’re making a road-tripper out of this kid?

We rolled up to Mitch’s house around 4:00, kicked off our shoes, and poured ourselves a couple of home-brewed beers from his kegerator.  Let the festivities begin!  It took Juliette about five minutes to warm up to her cousins, and then she was off to the races, following them from room to room, screeching with joy when they turned to chase her.  She settled down in her pack n play without a peep after dinner – a couple of hours of keeping up with the big kids had plumb tuckered her out.

We were up and at ’em early the next morning – the girls were thrilled to see that Santa had indeed stopped by in the night to fill stockings and leave a few extra gifts under the tree.

The adults sipped coffee and politely exchanged a few presents while the kids delightfully tore into their loot – Juliette quickly got the hang of unwrapping and made quick work of lining up her new books and puzzles.

Morgan and Jules were thick as thieves during our visit, hardly leaving each other’s sides.  Whenever Juliette fussed a bit, resisting a diaper change or reaching for something she couldn’t have, Morgan would come extra-close to her, murmuring “hiiiiii Juliette, it’s okaaayyy…” while gently touching her cheek.  It only had about a 25% success rate of doing any actual soothing, but damn, it was sweet.

Once we’d opened all the presents and eaten our bacon and coffee cake, we set out for Mt. Tabor park to let the kids burn off any left over Christmas morning antsies.

We made it home just in time for naps and then spent a quiet afternoon at the house, reading and doing puzzles and drinking hot chocolate.

I took Juliette out for a short walk around the neighborhood after she woke up…

And we found Santa!  Hey, if the kid doesn’t know any different, no sense in standing in that line at Nordstrom for two hours!

We headed in when the sun started to set and Elise offered to keep Juliette entertained while the finishing touches were put on dinner.

We shared a big Christmas meal and then all three girls piled into the tub for bathtime.  They streaked through the house when they were done, laughing hysterically as they left their towels in a pile on the floor and clamored upstairs to find their pajamas.  The sight of Juliette running behind Morgan and Elise with such glee, her dimpled bottom jiggling as she shouted and giggled – what a gift.

Friday was another day, another park – we spent the morning at Columbia Park, teeter-tottering and swinging and sliding.

Shane and Juliette took marathon naps in the afternoon while I played Disney Frozen Bingo and Frozen Memory and Frozen Matching with the girls.  Elise got a microscope for Christmas and we spent a little while “doing experiments”.  That face!  She’s so grown up these days, but such a wonderful goofball at the same time.

We went out for dinner at a local brewpub and then everyone grabbed a few last snuggles with Juliette before it was time for us to hit the road back to Seattle.

I’m telling you, the 7:30 pm departure is money – Juliette fell asleep a few miles into the ride, we made record time in the absence of any traffic, and then she easily settled into her crib when we got home.  Shane and I played a couple of rounds of Mario Kart before heading to bed ourselves, thankful for a chance to veg after a busy couple of days.

I woke up a little blue on Saturday, already missing my family and feeling the funk of post-holiday letdown, so Shane suggested that we get out and do something special.  We decided to head downtown to take a whirl on the carousel in Westlake Plaza.  Juliette was a little skeptical when we first got on – she gave the pole a shake, found out the horse didn’t spring back and forth like the one at the playground, and promptly decided she wanted to get off.  But oh, the look on her face when the carousel started spinning and her horse started galloping up and down, she dug it.  She smiled like mad, exclaiming “whoooaaa, whoooaaa, whoooaaa!” over and over and over.  Add this to our list of Christmas traditions!

From Westlake, we walked over to the Sheraton to check out the annual gingerbread house display.  I can’t believe the time (and sugar!) that must go into some of these!

Juliette was mildly impressed by the gingerbread village – she was more excited about being allowed to run free in the lobby after just four short blocks in her stroller.  There’s no stopping this kid.

We walked by the Fairmont Olympic Hotel on our way back to the car and decided to pop into their cozy lobby to say hi to Santa and check out the tree.

Cheers to a holiday filled with very little naughty and SO MUCH NICE.

Although I’d pay good money for a day of 80-degree temps, it really does feel like the most wonderful time of the year around here.  December has been packed of merry-making as we’ve filled our weekends with our favorite Christmastime traditions.

The annual trek out to Mountain Creek tree farm in North Bend has become our family’s marker that Christmas is a-comin’, and this year was pretty perfect as tree hunts go.  The sun was shining, the snow was glistening, and Juliette had a grand time traipsing among the trees, some of which were just her size.

We settled on a 6-foot Grand Fir without too much ado, Shane did the honors, and we were off!

Ok, we weren’t really off just yet, as it takes us four times as long to securely rope the tree to the roof of our Civic as it does to actually cut it down.  Luckily, Jules was there to supervise, as she guzzled warm apple cider from the sidelines.

And then we were off!

After one more picture.

We strung lights and hung ornaments on the tree that afternoon while A Charlie Brown Christmas piped through the speakers.  I love, love, love the warm glow of a well-lit tree.  Makes me want to pot an indoor tree and string lights on it to keep that glow going year-round (Shane said no).

Juliette was pretty taken with the tree at first, pulling off any ornaments that were within arm’s reach, giving the lights a nerve-racking tug now and then.

I let her hold my little plastic angel, thinking she couldn’t harm it.  She proceeded to bite the wings right off the poor guy.  Thus, there are no longer any ornaments on the bottom third of the tree…

A couple of weeks ago we gathered with the gang for our annual fondue party.  But first, the annual pre-fondue 5k at Seward Park, as a preemptive calorie burn!

As Shane and I are two of the few lucky owners of a fondue set, we’re tasked each year with doing one of the cheese pots.  The first year was not so good, as we rushed the melting process ended up with one giant cheese blob.  But now, after several years of practice, we speak Gruyere.  Shane’s a certified cheese whiz.

It was a wild night, as nearly 20 adults and 10 kids ate and laughed and chased each other through Jack and La Verne’s house.  This fondue party, with the cheese and the chocolate and Ronda’s homemade marshmallows, is another one of our very crucial Christmastime happenings – the holidays wouldn’t be the same without it.  Juliette’s fully on board.

Shane and I snuck out one Friday night for a kid-free evening with my coworkers for our annual holiday party.  Good cocktails, good conversation, and this hottie in an elf hat.  Nice.

The next day I set out with Nance and La Verne for a solid 22 hours of kid-freeness for Ladies Weekend 2014.  The three of us started this tradition of getting away for some R and R in 2011 but had to skip it last year, as La Verne’s and my babes were still so little (and needy).  But when I asked La Verne last month if she was ready for a night away, she responded with a resounding YES.  The dads were cool with hanging at home with the little ones, so we booked a room at Cedarbrook Lodge in nearby SeaTac, scheduled our spa treatments, and packed our bags!  We spent the afternoon shopping at the Supermall and then made it to the hotel just in time to check in for our massages and facials.  We ate a leisurely dinner (oh, the luxury of a leisurely meal!), raided the hotel lounge’s supply of free ice cream and malt balls, and then settled into our room for a night of Haagen Dasz and chick flicks.  Dirty Dancing was playing on Bravo, so we spent two hours giggling like schoolgirls over Patrick Swayze’s bulging muscles and gyrating hips.  It felt like a high school sleepover, which was kind of awesome – there aren’t many instances these days when I feel younger than I actually am.  Sleeping in until 8:00 the next morning and waking to a quiet, foggy bit of wonderland was also amazing (I know, “wonderland” in SeaTac?  It’s true!).

We had breakfast at the hotel and spent a long time talking about family and faith and priorities and contentedness (Nance was channeling her inner Oprah!), and then it was time to grab a few malt balls for the road and get back to Seattle.

Juliette was quick to run into my arms when I walked in the door, which made my break all the sweeter.  She and Shane had fared pretty well – the dads and kids had eaten dinner together the evening before, Juliette had slept through the night, she was dressed and happy when I got home.  The weekend was such a success, in fact, that there’s talk of this becoming a quarterly rather than annual tradition…

We spent one clear evening checking out the lights at Gene Coulon Park in Renton.  Juliette roamed up and down the path, excited by the big glowing candy canes and the opportunity to run free after dark.

I had high hopes for church and brunch and maybe a Santa Scouting this past Sunday, but Juliette woke up with copious amounts of snot flowing from her nose, so we decided instead to declare it a huddle day, to make pancakes and enjoy our tree before the needles start dropping like flies.

We let Juliette open a couple of gifts in the afternoon, since she has more than enough to tear into on Christmas morning.  She’s been using this box as a bench for the past two weeks and was amazed to find that there was actually something inside of it!

Looking forward to trying out these paint brushes and paint cups with her on our next rainy afternoon at home together.

Shane got a Nintendo for Christmas (from…himself?), and while Juliette isn’t quite ready for Mario Kart, she was pretty taken with the controller – we didn’t even have the TV on, but she pushed those buttons and jiggled that joystick for a good 15 minutes.

I spent this evening baking a few goodies and making sure every last gift is wrapped and tagged – tomorrow we head to Portland for a few days with family.  Happy, happy holidays, friends!

I’m a little late with this post, as I’ve had a tough time putting my finger on the past month’s developments – changes seem to be coming more gradually these days, or at least more subtly since those thrilling first steps.  I know there’s a lot going on in that wild-haired head of hers and I’m sure she’s dying to be able to put words to her thoughts and wants, but Juliette and I aren’t speaking the same language just yet.  She spends a lot of time right now wandering around the house, pointing up at countertops and tabletops and cupboards, saying “Eh?  Eh?  Eh?  EEEEHHHHH???!!!”.  I offer her everything she could possibly be asking for, with the exception of my phone or my hot cup of coffee (which of course, are the items she’s after), so we compromise and I hand her an apple from the fruit bowl, which she happily grabs, takes one bite of, and then throws on the floor.  Toddlerhood is fun.

Honestly though, communication breakdowns aside, I do love hanging out with that kid.  And her increasing independence has its perks, like she hardly needs my help at mealtime anymore.  Check out her mad spoon skills!

Cleanup takes a little effort, but her aim improves day by day, and that avocado facial keeps her skin oh-so-soft.

Thankfully, she still loves the tub and is amenable to being hosed down after meals.  She’s definitely a water-baby – I can’t wait to get her back in the pool for her January swim lessons.

She’s full of silly little quirks and gestures, like the way she grabs anything rectangular and holds it up to her ear like a phone – a tupperware lid, the TV remote, whatever cards she swipes from my wallet when I’m not looking.  Shane and I aren’t sure where she picked this up, since we rarely use our phones to actually talk, but there are times when she babbles so intently that it’s like she really believes there’s someone on the other end of whatever she’s holding.

She’s go-go-going as much as ever – I can usually coax her into the stroller if she’s set up with a snack and a sippy cup of warm milk, but for the most part, she wants to be out and about.  Shane took her to the bakery last weekend and she insisted on getting out of the stroller and walking the mile back home (which took about 45 minutes, bless Shane’s heart…).  She loves the little tricycle our neighbors gave to us – her feet don’t quite reach both pedals, so she holds on tight while I give her a push around the driveway.

We desperately miss our summer park adventures and often talk about exploring new coffeeshops and restaurants, but always return to our tried-and-true favorites, passing many a morning at the Columbia City Bakery…

And then stopping to say hello to the Nutcracker next door.

We head over to Tutta Bella and have pizza for dinner more often than any responsible adult should.  Jules loves their meatballs, and I love their happy hour glasses of champagne.

We usually spend Friday mornings with our little buddies, braving the cold for the sake of being able to run around and get some fresh air.

I’ve mentioned recently that there are days when Juliette makes me batty with frustration and impatience, but there are also days like today, when she couldn’t possibly be any sweeter.  She laid it on thick today, wrapping her arms around me several times and laying her head on my shoulder for a good warm snuggle, bringing her socks and shoes to me when it was time to go out and then sitting still while I put them on (you have no idea what a treat this is), even coming up behind me and patting my back as I kneeled on the floor to wipe up some spilt milk.  She must have heard me complaining to Shane last night after she and I had battled over dinner and bath and toothbrushing and pajamas, “I do everything for her, and she gives me nothing!”  I take it back, baby.  You give me such abundant joy, such deep-seated fulfillment as I feel the weight of you in my lap and run my fingers through those soft, wispy pigtails.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I’m finding that motherhood brings out both the best and the worst in me.  There are days when I surprise myself with my selflessness or my gentleness or my super-human strength as I lug a wriggling toddler and two bags of groceries across a parking lot because I forgot to park the car near the shopping cart drop-off (rookie mistake).  There are days when I run wild with Juliette on the playground, following her up the steps and down the slide and back again, and again, and again, playing through the monotony because to her, the up-downs never get old.  Then we head home and I read her the same book eight times over, because that silly bear in I Want My Hat Back is her favorite and storytime is one of the few chances I get to hold my busy girl extra-close.   There are days when she devours her broccoli quiche and her sweet potatoes and her homemade coconut-almond bars, politely signing “more” and “please” after each course, and I pat myself on my back for raising such a healthy, well-mannered little girl.

And then…there are those other kinds of days.  Days when she tosses her steamed vegetables and roasted chicken on the floor, so I throw up my hands and let her have a banana for dinner.  Days when I lay all the blankets and pillows on the living room floor with the pretense of wanting to snuggle, but in reality just praying that if I give her a big enough cup of Cheerios, she’ll leave me alone and let me doze for a precious few minutes.  Days when I altogether lose my shit.  Like the day we went to the zoo and it rained and rained, so I called it quits and we headed to the car where she whined and kicked as I wrestled her into her carseat.  Buckles finally secure, stroller folded into the trunk, my back completely soaked, I handed her a pouch of her favorite pear-pea puree for the ride home, expecting a little gratitude, but instead watching her grabby hands squeeze two-thirds of the green goo down the front of her shirt.  Horns sprouted from my head as I angrily yelled, “BABY, NO!!!  STOP!!!  NO, NO, NO!”.  She was momentarily startled into silence, her lip quivering and her eyes wide with fear.  Then she burst into one of the saddest wails I’ve ever heard.  I think I cried most of the way home, too, embarrassed and ashamed that I had lost my cool and become that crazy, shouting mom I’ve seen (and admittedly judged) so many times before.  And yesterday…ooofff.  Bad weather and a lack of motivation on my part kept us housebound, and after the sixth ransacking of the kitchen cupboards and the third meltdown over not being allowed to play in the fridge, I’d had enough.  “JULIETTE GRACE!  QUIT YOUR CRYING!”  I was done, sick of the messes and the whining and the complete lack of personal space.  I put her down for her afternoon nap at 9 am, partly because she seemed tired, but partly because I just couldn’t stand to be around her anymore.  Which sounds so awful, especially when I had just spent three days at work looking forward to Mama-Jules Thursday.  But did she not read the memo about snuggling together under piles of blankets, contentedly playing Legos while I took a shower?  Or was I suffering from my usual delusions of quiet grandeur and coming up short on patience when reality set in?  Yeah, patience…not my forte.  But apparently kind of essential if I’m going to make it through toddlerhood without turning into the Wicked Witch of the Pacific Northwest.  Craaaaaap.

The upside? At least she doesn’t hold grudges.

It was a happy Thanksgiving for the Schnells and Jarrells as we gathered in Portland to feast and catch up and watch our girls run wild together.  Shane and I had originally planned on a long, quiet weekend at home, but then switched some plans around as we found ourselves really wanting to be with family.  We headed out on Wednesday afternoon and enjoyed an uneventful drive as Juliette snoozed in the backseat.  We were greeted with hugs from Morgan and Elise, followed by a rundown of all things Frozen.  I can see our future: bring on the sparkles and princesses.

My ideal holiday involves eating, napping, and very minimal physical activity, but I’m afraid Jules had other plans.  We were up early on Thursday, per usual, and Juliette was itching to get out by mid-morning.  The playground it is then, baby!

The rain cut our time at the park short, but I was happy to grab some extra snuggle time on the couch with my favorite three year old.

Cousins!  They got along splendidly – it was so much fun to watch them play together.  Last time we visited, Juliette was still very much a baby, but this time around she was (almost) able to keep up with the big girls.  And when she struggled to keep up, they were happy to grab her hands and pull her along.

Once cuddles and building blocks lost their charm, we were back out the door for an afternoon walk.  Kathryn asked me to snap a few pics of the girls for their Christmas card – I asked for sweet smiles, and…this happened.  Funny kids.

Elise was wonderful with Juliette, eliciting all kinds smiles and giggles with her silly dances and songs.  When she noticed Juliette’s tendency to fuss during diaper changes, Elise deemed herself the “diaper-changing fairy”, fluttering around with toys and books while I cleaned up Jules.  And it worked – not a single wiggle from my usually-squirmy baby!  Can’t wait till Elise is old enough to babysit – Juliette looks at her with such unbridled adoaration.

We headed back indoors and I put Juliette down for a late nap.  I came upstairs to find these two snuggled up together with an episode of Arthur.  There’s that sweet photo I was going for earlier!

Morgan has always been a little slow to warm up to me, but she and I had a really grand couple of days together, reading books and doing puzzles and playing horses.  Only took three years and eleven months, but I think I’ve won this girl over!

We ate big for dinner on Thursday – ham and quiche and roasted veggies and butternut squash soup and salad and apple pie.  Gratitude (and red wine) flowed forth so easily as we sat around around the table together.  Much to be thankful for.

Friday was rainy and cold, so we skipped our morning park run.  Kathryn and I headed out for a Barre3 class while Shane held down the fort at home, and we spent the rest of the day cozied up inside, snacking, reading, painting, dancing…repeat.  And repeat.  We eventually declared a jailbreak, grabbed our umbrellas, and walked over the library and coffee shop for a much-needed change of scenery.

We came home and Elise and Juliette worked out their rainy day crazies with a little yoga.

And then just got plain crazy again!  Babies being big girls, big girls being babies – it was mayhem.  Exhausting and loud and occasionally resulting in tears, but I still kind of loved it.

We saw that the forecast called for snow on Saturday morning and decided to beat the weather and head out Friday evening.  We put on Juliette’s pajamas, piled onto the couch for a bedtime story, and then hit the road.  Juliette fell asleep shortly after we got on the freeway, slept until we pulled into our garage, and then settled pretty quickly into her crib once we were home.  Now that’s how it’s done.  A fuss-free drive to and from Oregon?  Thankful, indeed.

Juliette’s been waking up at 5 am this week.  Oy vey.  I can usually get her back down after 10-15 minutes and grab at least another hour of sleep before it’s time to get ready for work, but this morning, when I crawled back into bed at 5:15, I tossed and turned.  I burrowed further under the covers, scooted closer to the warmth of Shane’s body, turned my head away from the clock that was ticking its way toward my alarm, but sleep wouldn’t come.  My heart was heavy as my head spun with visions of mourning parents, cars on fire, faces twisted with anger and grief.  I haven’t said much, on social media or otherwise, about the situation in Ferguson.  I’ve “liked” a few Facebook posts that call for justice, I’ve ranted to Shane over the insensitivity of a few others, but mostly I’ve been silent.  I’m troubled and angry and full of sorrow, but…I’m also white.  Am I justified in standing alongside Michael Brown’s parents, alongside the hurting black community, without truly being able to empathize?  Can I begin to understand what they’re feeling, even though I can rest in the hope that there are governmental systems in place that will protect rather than harm my child?  Do the words from my privileged lips hold any weight?  Or is it time for me to get over my insecurities, agree with my friend Erica that often silence equals complicity, and speak up?

I keep coming back to the image below:

Such profound grief.  Having to bury your child must be one of the greatest sorrows conceivable.  And in the midst of all that grief, being caught in the the eye of a storm where your son is called the ugliest of names, where he’s accused and vilified in efforts to justify his death.  I can’t imagine.  But I can pray.

Lord, please lay your peace on the Brown family.  Hold them close.

And this picture:

So much division.  Unrest.  Distrust.  It’s hard for me to fathom, as I sit here in the quiet of our house on our quiet street.  I can’t say I’ve ever felt threatened or afraid because of the color of my skin.  I can’t tell you what it feels like to be treated as less than because of my race.  But I can pray.

Lord, bring reconciliation in the midst of all this pain.

And this picture:

Michael Brown isn’t just a symbol.  He was a young man whose life mattered, not because he was young or black or someone’s son, but because he was a human being, and I believe in a God who says that all life matters.  I can’t undo the shots that were fired on August 9th.  But I can be an advocate.  I can cry out against inequality.  I can get down on my knees and beg my God and my country’s leaders to bring about change and accountability in our broken system.

Lord, hear my prayers.