little black journal

Ah, I love a visit from the grandparents!  Hearty home-cooked meals courtesy of my mom, good conversations around the dinner table, and extra hands to push the stroller or hold the baby on our daily outings.  We hit Seattle pretty hard last week, rain and shine.

We spent Monday afternoon downtown – my dad was a sport and hung out with Jules while my mom and I perused the offerings at Nordstrom Rack.

We enjoyed a sunbreak as we left the mall, but it was short-lived and we ended up ducking into the Crab Pot for fish and chips just as the rain started to fall.

Tuesday was beautifully, perfectly, un-gray and sunny, and Seattle shone in all its springtime glory.  We headed over to Green Lake for a long walk, rewarding ourselves afterward with ice cream at Molly Moon’s.

Juliette was laser-focused on my waffle cone, tossing aside the toys and plastic spoons I offered as distractions.  I refused to share my scoop of espresso ice cream, but she did sample my mom’s kumquat sorbet.  It’s just fruit, right?

And it was a hit.  Grandma forever sealed her spot in Juliette’s good graces with that one.

My dad headed back to Oregon on Wednesday, but not before one more quality chat with his favorite baby.  These two got along so splendidly – Juliette and I were both pretty sad to see him go.

My mom and I headed over to Alki on Wednesday afternoon for another vitamin D dose.  You can see Juliette fits right in with all those Seattle-ites that get giddy and silly when the sun comes out.

We spent Thursday afternoon down at Southcenter, scoring a couple of killer deals at the Loft while Juliette happily chomped on the fuzzy new lion grandma picked up for her at Target.  Turns out the three of us make a pretty good shopping trio.

I hung out with my mom’s group on Friday while my mom enjoyed the last of the week’s sunshine at Jefferson Park, and by Saturday Seattle’s spring drizzle had returned.  But no fear – the gray skies served as the perfect excuse to spend the morning at the bakery with a hot cup of coffee.  And Juliette’s good mood persisted, so I’ll hold off on complaining about the weather.

Ok, so here’s the thing – it rained ALL DAY today!  Not even the shortest, slightest break in it.  Jules and I were hoping to get out for a good walk, but it wasn’t in the cards for us.  So my mom and I left Juliette at home with Shane and drove over to Capitol Hill for oysters and wine, followed by a quick trip downtown to check out the big sale at Gap (must. stop. shopping!).

Tomorrow my mom will hang out with Juliette as I head back to the office – my maternity leave is officially OVER.

I don’t wanna talk about it.

Juliette hit the big half-year mark yesterday – more and more we’re exclaiming “what a big girl!” as she flies past each new milestone and showcases each new skill.  Six months ago today at about this time, we were on our way home with our brand-new baby, feeling overjoyed and overwhelmed as we strapped her into carseat, praying that we’d buckled it right and her head wouldn’t roll off if we hit a bump in the road.  She was such a tiny, helpless little thing.  And now she’s so strong and squishy and expressive and…fun.  With the exception of the night I spent camped out on the floor of her nursery a couple of weeks ago when she was sick and waking every hour, we’re in a really good groove, lavishing her with plenty of affection but also taking advantage of her increasing ability to self-entertain.

On Wednesday she took her maiden voyage in the stroller without the carseat, facing out big-kid style.  I know, this is such a small, silly thing, but it felt like a really big deal.  I’ve walked a lot of miles with her these last few months, chatted with her and sang to her while she looked up at me from her cozy carseat.  But now she’s ready to see things from a new angle, and while I’m excited show her a world beyond treetops and my face, I’ll miss watching her gnaw on Sophie.  I suppose it’s possible that I’m feeling extra-nostalgic as my maternity leave is over and I head back to work on Monday, but gah!  Stop growing already, baby!

She continues to tease us with just an occasional laugh – recent rounds of peek-a-boo have drawn forth some pretty adorable giggles.  We continue to make complete fools out of ourselves for the sake of even the smallest chuckle.

Juliette recently discovered her toes, which means it will soon be impossible to keep socks on her.  Thank goodness barefoot weather is coming!

She was particularly fascinated by her feet when I put her on the changing table yesterday.  I cringed a little when she latched onto her big toe, but then I figured her feet are probably much cleaner than her grabby hands, so suck away, hon.

We have recently ventured into the word of solid foods, and I believe this wild-eyed look says it all:  Give me MORE!  (And check out those pearly whites peeking through her bottom gums – girly has her two first teeth!)

We started with rice cereal a couple of weeks ago and have since added oatmeal and sweet potato to her palate.  Tonight she’ll have her first avocado.  Mmm, Mmm, Good.

Shane put up a bit of a fight when I brought this monstrosity of a jumper home from Emily’s, but once we realized she can occupy herself in this thing for a solid 15 minutes at a time, we decided it’s well worth the space it takes up in the living room.

We’re still dealing with the occasional 20-minute nap, but for the most part, Jules has settled into a solid sleep routine.  She’s up once in the night around 3:00 for a quick snack and has been (fairly) consistent with the hour-plus morning and afternoon naps.  One of my favorite things about doing away with the swaddle is watching her sleep in all these new positions – she’s pretty angelic with her chubby hands clasped at her chest, just so.

We celebrated the big 0.5 last night with sweet potatoes for dinner and bananas for dessert – this goofball definitely loves to eat.  We bought her a small booster seat to strap to one of our dining room chairs, and I love having her at the table with us.  As long as she keeps those sticky hands to herself.  Thank goodness bathtime falls right after dinnertime.

Finally…more gratuitous tummy time photos (I can’t stop myself!):

The expression in this photo shows her increasing curiosity – craning her neck just a little, wanting to know where a sound came from or where her favorite toy went or what mama is putting in her mouth (sorry kiddo, no chocolate for you).

And…super-baby!  She looks ready, to take off, doesn’t she?

Happy half-year Juliette.  It’s beyond fun to watch you grow, but…no rush, ok?

We’ve only made it to church a handful of times since Juliette was born.  The service occurs smack dab in the middle of nap time and it’s often hard to muster up the will to go, knowing that we’ll be late (we are always late getting out the door these days), and then we might end up spending half the sermon walking Juliette in circles around the foyer to keep our tired baby quiet.  But we made it out the door at 8:30 sharp this past Sunday morning, as it was an extra-extra-special day at church.  We gathered with family and friends to dedicate Juliette and five of her buddies into the hands of Christ.  We have had six babies born in our community group over the past 12 months.  More than half these babies were born to couples that walked a long, hard road of infertility.  If I ever catch myself questioning the goodness of God’s timing, I’ll pull up this photo:

There were a number of reasons why it was important to Shane and I that we dedicate Juliette. A big part of it was that we wanted to stand together and celebrate with these other families that have walked alongside us as we’ve dreamed about, cried for, and finally birthed our baby.

But even more deeply, it was important for us to remember and publicly declare that our daughter ultimately belongs to Christ and that we need His guidance, His word, His Church as we navigate our new role as parents.  We leaned on God so heavily throughout our struggle to become pregnant, pleading with Him to bless us with a child.  When I saw that first positive pregnancy test, I fell to my knees and asked Him to protect my fragile heart and grow our budding embryo.  As we walked down the hall toward our first ultrasound, I prayed desperately that we’d see a heartbeat on the monitor.  I lifted little Schnell up to Him at every subsequent appointment, eventually asking Him between contractions for a smooth, safe delivery as we headed to the hospital on September 13th.  And then Juliette was placed in our arms and we were asked to take charge of feeding her, soothing her cries, keeping her safe.  I grabbed the reins in my new role as mama and stopped praying with the same degree of intensity.  Shane and I felt so deep in the trenches, and God wasn’t going to swoop down to deal with a diaper blow-out or bounce her to sleep – those responsibilities fell on our shoulders.  And between the pooping and the crying, we were reveling in the immense joy of parenthood, patting ourselves on the back as we watched our beautiful little girl sleep so sweetly.  God had answered our prayers for a child, and the going was tough at times, but we were figuring it out.  “Thanks, God.  She’s perfect.  We’ll hit you up for a little more help when she starts dating.”

But the reality is that we need Christ in our home every single day.  His work in our family has only begun, and He is to be at the center of our hopes for Juliette, He shall be our guide as we strive to raise our daughter to become kind, compassionate, and brave.  We need Him, she needs Him.

And so we stood in front of our church family on Sunday and promised to give Juliette every opportunity to choose a life of faith; to teach and embody humility, mercy, and justice; to seek support from our church family when we’re feeling overwhelmed or lost.  We pledged to pray for her faithfully and fervently.  As Pastor Eugene laid his hand on her little pig-tailed head, I felt this simultaneous sensation of lightness and weight.  Lightness because we felt so supported, so overwhelmingly loved by our friends and family, so flooded with gratitude and adoration for our girl.  But there was heaviness, too, as I grasped both the responsibility we carry as parents and the fact that even our best efforts won’t yield any guarantees.  We can’t promise her health or safety or happiness.  No matter how tightly we hold her, she is ultimately in God’s hands.  Deep down, I know it’s better this way, but the fiercely protective mother in me wants to lay down a path for her free from pain or danger or sorrow.

I like to think Jules and O have been buds since before they were born…

I was a bit nervous when Eugene offered to hold Juliette, fearing her stranger danger syndrome would kick in, but after one little lip quiver she quietly settled into his arms (although she’s looking a little forlorn in this photo!).

Despite a busy morning and a missed nap, this girl was a rockstar.  That smile!  Still gets me every time.

I’m so glad my parents were there to celebrate with us.

Happy dedication day, Juliette.  You are loved.

Giving the ten on ten challenge another go – ten photos over ten consecutive hours:

Thankful for the extra daylight in the evening, but dang, it’s hard to get out of bed on these dark, gray mornings.

Realizing it will soon be time to pack away Juliette’s 3-6 month clothes.  I’ll miss that bunny onesie.

Taking a tea break while my mom attends to the should-be-napping baby upstairs…

Calling naptime a bust and hopping on lightrail to head downtown for lunch.

And, in the midst of bustling Pike Place Market, she sleeps.

Good coffee shop weather.

Signs of Spring in the midst of all this gray!

A flower for Juliette from a very thoughtful friend.

Sweet potatoes for dinner.

And pork stew for our dinner, prepared by my mom from a box o’ meat shipped to us from Shane’s mom and dad.  We have the best parents.

Goooooood night, folks.  This was fun.

I am still plugging away at that lovely loop scarf I started back in 2012.  It’s been slow goin’ – I’ve knitted through an entire season of House of Cards and still have quite a ways to go.  So I set that pattern aside (again) for a more instantly gratifying project and whipped up the simplest scarf ever, in less time than it takes to watch the latest episode of New Girl.

Most people are surprised to learn that I went through a wannabe skater phase in my early teens, but it’s true.  When I was a freshman in high school, I plastered my binders with Sub Pop stickers and dressed in men’s jeans that were far too large for me and second hand t-shirts bearing random logos like “Mid-Eastern Parachute Association, 1978”.  My friend Megan and I would head to Salvation Army after school and spend hours scouring the racks in search of the perfectly ironic t-shirt; the more obscure the image or text, the older the date on the logo, the better.  I’ve hung on to a number of these gems over the years, mostly for sentimental reasons, as they’re hardly even suitable for a workout anymore.  In a wave of naptime inspiration last week, I decided to pull up a tutorial I pinned awhile ago and breathe new life in these ratty old T’s.

Take a knit cotton shirt without side seams and cut horizontally below the armpits and above the hem.

Make snip marks across one edge, spaced about 1 inch apart.

Cut along the snip marks to the other side.  Leave about 1 inch of uncut area along that edge.

Give each strand a tug to curl in the edges, and voila!  You have yourself a 10-minute scarf.

You can use a piece of the hem remnant to gather and tie the scarf at the uncut portion (at the back of the neck), but this isn’t necessary.  I like it to lay a little flatter, so I opted to skip this step.

Double or triple up if you want a little extra bulk (I’m wearing three separate scarves below).  And pair with a preppy black blazer if you really want to dismay your former grunge-loving self…

For the first couple of months of Juliette’s life, I resisted going anywhere.  It just felt like such an ordeal, with the jacket and hat and the carseat straps and the inevitable carseat meltdown and the schlepping of the baby and all her associated gear.  And she was such a wild card – I didn’t know if I was facing a leisurely stroll through the aisles of Target while pushing a sleeping baby in front of me, or if I’d be auditioning for Supermarket Sweep, making a mad grab for laundry soap and shampoo while Juliette squirmed and fussed and drew sympathetic glances from fellow shoppers.  But at some point in the past few weeks, the tides have turned and “Do we really have to leave the house?” became “We HAVE to leave the house!!!”.  It’s true – the three to four-hour period between her morning nap and afternoon nap can feel like an eternity if we have nothing on the agenda.  On those days when weather or laziness or lack of planning keeps us indoors, I find myself grasping for ways to fill our time, stretching out simple activities like getting her dressed or putting her clothes away, turning a two-minute diaper change into a ten-minute song and dance, because she’s already spent twenty minutes batting at the elephant on her playmat and she’s tired of her bouncer and she’s not due to eat for another 47 minutes.  That oft-referenced adage about parenthood rings so true sometimes – the years are short but the days are loooooong.

Today we had no plans.  And it was raining.  And Juliette is in the midst of her first cold.  Looked like it was going to be a manic Monday indoors…  I made us a nest of blankets and pillows on the living room floor, spread out all her favorite toys and books, and we hunkered down.  We read the complete Eric Carle collection (three times!), I sang every single song I could remember from my days as a Girl Scout plus a couple of upbeat Taylor Swift ditties, we practiced standing and sitting and knocking over towers of blocks and Juliette tested the chewability of each rattle, stuffed animal, block, and ring within her reach.

That all took about 25 minutes.

“What else you got, mama?”

So at 1:00, when the clouds parted and the sun came out, cold flu be damned, I strapped Juliette into the Ergo and we were OUT!

The walk did us both good.  We came back refreshed, ready for one more round of read-sing-rattle before heading upstairs for naptime.  Don’t misunderstand me – I love these quiet days at home with my baby, but that Very Hungry Caterpillar is quickly losing his charm.

In addition to my annual list of resolutions, I like to choose a word to dwell on throughout the year.  Last year I prayed that I would make myself vulnerable to a deep, fervent hope; this year I’m looking outward a little more, feeling called to be more fully present for the people in my life.  I’ve mentioned before how easily I can get sucked into my task list vortex, where the measure of a good day is based more on productivity than on quality time with friends or family.  The arrival of Juliette has clearly brought to light the necessity of recalibrating my priorities, putting my nearest and dearest above my to-do’s.  That baby of ours needs (and deserves) all kinds of attention.  And while she’s not shy about letting me know when she’s hungry or poopy or just wants to be held, what about those other times, when she’s sweetly content to just lay on the floor and suck on her fingers?  Is that my cue to rush downstairs to throw in a load of laundry, then hustle around the kitchen to get dinner ready?  Or is it my cue to pause, to throw a couple of pillows down and lay right next to her, to chat with her and tickle her toes while she coos and babbles?  Some mornings, when she’s especially easy-going, I find myself just shuffling her from room to room as I go about my own routine, propping her up in her chair in the bathroom while I blow-dry my hair, dropping her in her bouncer in the kitchen while I unload the dishwasher and make breakfast, putting her down on her playmat while I eat and check email.  Before I know it, it’s time for her first nap and I’ve entirely missed my morning window for snuggle sessions and playtime.

I threw out the sleep training guidelines the other day and let Juliette nap in my arms after she nursed.  As I laid my hand on her belly and gazed at her peaceful face, rosy-cheeked where she had been nuzzled in the crook of my arm, she grabbed my finger in her chubby little fist and gripped it tight as she slept.  It felt like she was asking me to stay awhile, reminding me that our quiet moments together are precious and so quickly fleeting.  And the time I spend with her, singing silly songs and smothering her with head-to-toe kisses, it matters.  It matters that I’m present for her.  It matters that she knows she’s more important than housework or blog posts or emails.  It matters that I daily speak words of affirmation and positivity over her.  And when she responds to my undivided attention with a happy giggle or an extra-close cuddle, it’s apparent how much those dirty dishes in the sink and those crumbs on the floor really don’t matter.

So I’m being more there for Juliette and she’s flashing me her winning smiles and I’m making good progress on this resolution, but I fear there’s another member of our family that’s a little short on lovin’.  Remember Shane, who used to stand front and center in my weekend updates and my travel posts, who used to by the object of all my gushing?  There was a time when I couldn’t wait to get home to him after a long day at work, to enjoy one of his extra-special bear hugs and dish on the day’s ups and downs.  Don’t get me wrong – I still can’t wait to see him in the evenings (my daily 5:00 “when r u coming home?” text message is evidence of that), but it’s usually so that I can toss the baby in his direction and enjoy a little space to myself, because I am beat.  I’ll take a breather and watch from the sidelines while the two of them play, then summon the last of my reserves for bathtime, bedtime, and dinnertime.  By 8:00, I am physically and emotionally zapped, wanting nothing more than to zone out in my own corner of the couch with my laptop or my knitting while Shane queues up House of Cards.  It’s hardly what you would call “quality time” for the two of us.  So I’m working on digging deeper, asking real questions rather than muttering an obligatory “How was your day?”.  I’m taking him up on his offer when he pushes himself against the back of the couch so that I can stretch out alongside him while we talk or read or watch Parenthood.  I’m reminding myself that although it takes effort, although it goes against my natural inclination to hole up and turn in, the restorative power of intimacy ultimately lands us in a much happier place.

These two have brought me such great, heaping boatloads of joy.  May I be a wife and mom that daily returns the favor.

Juliette hit the five month mark on Friday – these days I often catch myself looking at her and wondering what happened to the helpless newborn I cradled in my arms last fall.  Every day she’s a little heavier, her hair’s a little longer, she looks up at me with a new facial expression I haven’t seen before, and I keep falling for her over and over and over.  Those eyes!

Girl’s also got some serious legs.  She’s really into standing right now, with just a little assistance from me or Shane.  Her head wobbles a little as she struggles to find her balance, and then she stabilizes and smiles her big “look at me!” smile.

Agh!  That chub!  My love for her squishy thighs knows no bounds.

Her abs are pretty impressive as well – she’s constantly trying to pull herself up into a sitting position, like some form of baby pilates.  She does these in her crib in the morning and keeps it up all day long.  I should join her and work on my post-pregnancy tummy, but just watching her makes me tired.

She sucks and slobbers on just about anything within arm’s reach, but her chew toy of choice (other than her dad’s pinky finger) is that silly Sophie the Giraffe that I initially thought was so over-played and over-priced.  Each of Sophie’s four legs, her face, her ears, her neck – they’ve all fallen prey to Juliette’s toothless chomp.  And when Jules starts to tire from all the sucking, she holds Sophie close and they grab a few Z’s together.

I’m using pigtails more and more to tame her unruly hair – she’s pretty irresistible with those two sweet little tufts of reddish-brown crowning her head.  Plus, post-pigtails hair is kind of awesome!

She’s using her voice a lot more, expressing joy and anger and boredom with a series of ahhhs and ohhhs and a very wet ppppffff.  This squealy little cough is her funny attempt at laughter – she’s workin’ on it!

Gracious, this girl adores her daddy.  One of the best parts of my day is watching them both light up when Shane gets home from work in the evening.  He excitedly yells “Baby!” and reaches for her as she beams in response, so eager to be in his arms.  They’re a match made in heaven, those two.

More and more, Juliette is showing interest in her little buddies.  Our Tuesday get-togethers with my mama’s group and our Wednesdays at the Beacon Hill story time have become the highlights of her week.  It’s extra-special to see her and baby Chen together – La Verne and I prayed and cried and hoped together for so long in our journey toward motherhood, and seeing N and J sitting side-by-side…well, it’s enough to start those tears flowing again.

Ok, I know there are an obscene amount of baby photos on this blog, but indulge me for just one more minute…

Happy 5 months, little Jules.  This mama thing just keeps getting better and better.

Juliette has been making good progress in the art of napping well, which has left me with some decent chunks of time to fill in the morning and afternoon.  These longer naps are well-timed (as if there’s a bad time for longer naps), since I’ve recently been feeling the itch to start making stuff again, to pick up my knitting needles and think about my next print project and flex my creative muscles.  Knowing that Juliette’s sleep schedule can turn on a dime, that she might decide tomorrow that 35-minute naps are back in fashion, I decided to start with something small.  I printed out the pattern for this cute stuffed bunny and cranked it out in a couple of hours, just in time to gift it to the baby for Valentines Day.

His head is a little misshapen, and one arm is a little higher than the other, but he’s still pretty cute, and Juliette has been happily cuddling (errrr…devouring) him all weekend.

Next up: time to finish the scarf I’ve had on my knitting needles since 2012!

Shane and I usually use Valentine’s Day as a great excuse to treat ourselves to a fancy dinner, a night out on the town with wine and ultra-rich food and maybe even a bouquet of roses.  Last year I had to pass on the wine, as I was ten weeks pregnant.  This year we had to pass on the fancy meal altogether, as Juliette hasn’t yet learned the art of fine dining.  And at first I told myself I really didn’t care, that Valentine’s Day has become a silly Hallmark holiday anyway, but the truth is that I felt a little pang of disappointment when I realized that we were facing another day of the same old, same old, that I wouldn’t be getting all dressed up or having creme brulee for dessert.  The days of lingering over a two and a half hour meal feel so long gone.  Then again, parenthood has not necessarily relegated us to complete hermit-dom, so we were able to get a little creative, to make the most of the fact that Shane had the day off and celebrate a family-friendly v-day.

We started the morning at Benaroya Hall for the Symphony for Tots program – we were joined by Juliette’s little buddies and loved watching their wide-eyed wonder as the women on stage led them on a “musical safari”.

We stayed close to home that afternoon, lounging about and playing a rousing round of 90’s “name that tune” via Spotify while Jules nestled comfortably into papa’s lap.  First the symphony, then Ace of Base – this kid made great strides in her musical education yesterday!

We were joined by the Rust crew for dinner at Tutta Bella.  It was a far cry from a four-course French meal, but I welcomed the chance to take a break from cooking and catch up with friends.  G and Z (who isn’t pictured below, as he would rather hop in puddles than pose for a photo!) made us a couple of very sweet valentines, and when G asked Shane if we had valentines for them, Shane responded with a very convincing, “Oh no!  We left them at home!”.  G took him at his word, so Shane and I are doing a little crafting this morning to make up for his fib and will be making a special delivery to the Rust boys later today.

After we tucked Jules into bed last night, Shane and I cuddled up on the couch to watch a bit of the Olympics and a movie.  I asked him if he missed the romance, if he thought we had lost that lovin’ feeling.  It had been a fun day, but I couldn’t shake this longing for times past.  Memories of our life before kids flitted through my head as I yawned, looked at the clock, and realized it was only 8 pm.

“Remember the days when we could stay up late on a Friday night, knowing that we could sleep in until 10 am on Saturday if we wanted to?”  

“Remember when we ordered our first bottle of wine at that nice restaurant in Morro Bay on Valentines Day of 2003?”  

“Remember when we used to travel???”

(pause)

“Remember that time earlier tonight when Juliette giggled like crazy as I wiggled and sang?”

Lord knows I’m a sucker for champagne and chocolate and sleep-ins, but damn it if that silly girl doesn’t win every single time.